I always wonder, when I'm explaining that I had a stroke, is it fair? Can I really blame this problem or that one on it? I mean, yeah, I'm tired and my left leg hurts from wandering the city, but is that a post-stroke left side failure or a lazy bum failure? If I can't do a pull-up does that mean, the muscles in my left arm totally atrophied last year and aren't up to it yet or does it just mean I'm a weakling? If my Spanish class is too hard, is the problem the stroke or the material? Was my brain really that different a year ago? Has my recovery to date not been sufficient?
If you met me, you'd never guess that I was less than a year post-stroke. Ian knew me a little before, and he didn't even know it had happened, so apparently, if you knew me before and saw me know, you wouldn't know. But I know. I am constantly aware of all my defects, especially the ones i think are stroke related.
And I don't want to be defined by the stroke. And yet, there is a big part of me that wants to dedicate my life to helping others overcome this. And I keep using it to excuse my failings to others. But I feel guilty and torn about telling them. Why am I embarrassed? Not of the stroke, I don't care if people know that. I think because I feel like its a failure. I haven't recovered enough. I should work harder. I should be able to do everything, and if I can't, because of the stroke or any other reason, I feel bad.
I know it's dumb but it's true. I'm so tired.... maybe a nap and then my 10 bazillion hours of homework.
1 comment:
We are all defined by the things that happen to us. In your case you shouldn't worry about it's negative implications, because if you do, then you'll drive yourself nuts wondering these little things.
Let yourself be affected by it, but not overwhelmed by it, You've had a remarkable recovery, and in many ways you are a much stronger, self sufficient, worldly, person than you were. Now I'm not saying that you having a stroke was a good thing, but also consider the silver lining in these situations, that which does not kill us only makes us stronger, and as an observer, let me tell you, you are.
xoxo
sorry I don't talk to you more, and sorry we didn't hang out more this summer.
Susannah
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