Something is not right

I don't know where exactly, what exactly, when exactly, but something horrible is coming. Something tremendous and unstoppable, and maybe it has come already and this is all just fake.
The world is completely unreal and I think I am losing my mind. My grasp on reality. Something. Or maybe I'm blowing it all out of proportion. I'm not sure. What is sanity anyway?
Time has been moving oddly the last few days.
I haven't been eating.
I've been having odd and somehow crucially important dreams, but I can't remember them.
At first i thought all these things were the Vicoen, but the Vicoden is gone and they remain.
Very little makes sense: the taste of my first coke in over a week, Neal Gaiman talking about Death and the Apocolypse, the way the smoke disappears after you exhale.
I am empty, reflecting only what's around me, not thinking about it or realizing I'm doing it, just pushing this influence and that together, binding with scotch tape and spit, and hoping it'll fool everyone, hold together long enough.
It does. No one else seems to notice how wrong everything is.
I want it to snow. Maybe thats it, maybe the terrible thing is coming with the snow.
I don't know why I get up, get dressed, do the things I am supposed to do, say the things I am supposed to say. I guess I don't know what else to do.
I lie by omission and by word and by deed. And no one notices. Or if they do, they act like they don't. Never does someone call me on it. Ask if I'm ok. Notice how good I am at simultaneously talking nonstop, TMI, and yet, saying nothing. Certainly nothing important.
Only now I have no desire to have to try to maintain that. I lapse more and more into silence.And if they ask now, I won't believe they noticed or cared, just that they read this.
In the silence, I don't want to think, I consciously avoid it.
I can't cry.
The world is ending.

In my eyes eyes eyes eyes

So, Friday I got up, put in my contacts, lived my life. After the RHPS, I went to the Everready with some people. My right contact started bugging me, but not too much. I got home around 5 and it didn't want to come out. I finally got it out, but my eye still hurt. I figured I'd gotten a piece of glitter or something in it, and tried to wash it out. No dice. Then I tried to sleep. Too much pain for sleep. And it kept getting worse. Around 6:30am Saturday I gave in and woke Sasha, we went to Baldwin, then to the ER. The dr didn't see anything. He flipped my eyelid inside out, which made it feel a little better, so I came home and slept a few hours. But the pain returned, and got worse, and my vision got cloudy and blurry, and I was sitting on my floor, crying hysterically, and couldn't move or talk it hurt so much. By far the most pain I've ever felt. So Sasha and I went back to the ER, where the Dr said I had contact lense cartatis.... ie my contact got stuck to my cornea, who knows why, and irritated it, and now its all inflamed and angry, so he gave me eye drops and a vicoden prescription. So 3 agonizing trips into pharmacies later we found one that was open, and I got tissues and Vicoden. I called back my paniced mother to reaffirm that she didn't need to come get me and went to sleep. 4 hours later, the vicoden wore off, I woke up, left my mom a scared little girl message "Mommy, my eye hurts, and I don't feel good. I want you to come get me. I want to go home." Then more vicoden and back to bed. Rinse and repeat every 4 hours.
Mom picked me up at 9:30am. I slept in the car, got into her bed (which, since I was little, has been the location for sick children) and went back to sleep. This morning I saw the eye doctor, who confirmed what the ER doctor said. The pain and blurryness are much better, but I probably wont be totally well until Thursday or so. If in the last 72 hours I was a giant bitch to you, I appologize pain makes you a nasty person and vicoden puts you in that not quite awake no filter place. House has his reasons. I slept most of Saturday here, all of saturday night here, all of sunday home, all of sunday night home. and then I got back ehre this afetrnoon and napped, and now, back to sleep.
Sleep is the only thing that doesnt hurt. Movement, light, and focusing (ie the nessecary things for work) are the most painful. I can only function for about 15 min at a time. Ow. And I've apparently used that up now. More eyedrops.
PS stupid fucking Christopher, I've had "in my eyes" stuck in my head since this started which is both ironic and infuriating.

Sleep

Sleep is the most amazing thing. You don't have to do anything else while you sleep. I want to sleep but I have so much to do... and I'm not sleepy. I want to sit up all night, drawing and painting. But Ballet is at 10:30, and I can't be any more sleep deprived than I already am. I'm not sleepy though. Just tired. I don't even really like to sleep, just curl up in that half asleep state where you don't have to get up yet and nothing matters forever. You can't have that before you go to sleep. That drifting, magical place where you have brilliant bursts of inspiration, which you need to write or draw immediately, but can't be bothered to get up, find pen/paper, turn on the light. Its so good, I'll remember it in 15 minutes when I get up. But you never do. Hours later, there's a ghost of it in a feeling you have for a second, but you can never quite grasp it. Usually I sleep either because I am exhausted and fall asleep right away or because I have stuff to do tomorrow, I can't be tired but I can't fall asleep and I get increasingly concerned about how late it is and how little sleep I'm going to get and how tired I'll be... and getting worked up about that can't be helping me fall asleep either.
I have no energy or interest. I have to go to class tomorrow, because I can't afford to miss more ballet, and there is a midterm in Public Finance. Yuck. I haven't studied at all. I don't really care, it doesn't matter. I don't want to ever do anything productive or social ever again. Sasha and Adin are coming for Rocky this weekend, and I'm hosting the cast party as well. Grumble. My glasses just fell behind the bed. Fuck. I'm not so much depressed as apathetic and antisocial. Which means I'm depressed. I should go to bed.
I feel bad because I meant to use this blog for talking about circus, art, recovery, deep thoughts, not just emo whining. In fact, not at all emo whining. I apologize to anyone who reads it, because you shouldn't have to put up with this. I assume you mostly don't, that no one is reading this and that it is out there but ignored. Which, depressingly enough, is quite apt.
I'm miserable and lonely. I'm going to retrive my glasses, finish my beer, set my alarm, and snuggle my teddy bear til I fall asleep.

No Productivity Here

RISD was really good. And exhausting. I have no pictures because I am an idiot and my camera told me very quickly that it had no more memory, which, like an idiot, I believed, because I hadn't emptied the memory card in ages, but no. It had partially ejected the memory card when I took the battery out to recharge it and it was recording to internal memory, and now I can't get them out. Oh well. If you want to see my awesome costume (Stacey, Kate and Sophie's also) check facebook. Virgina put up nice pictures. There was not enough sleep involved.
RHPS went well too. I did not cut my feet. We devirginized like 15 froshmonkeys. I got a cup of water down my shirt. Unfortunately, my CD skipped a whole bunch so next weekend: cables and we'll play from my ipod. Yes.
Today, I had a Jane-a-thon. Watched Jane Eyre and Becoming Jane, both depressing and not especially fabulous, merely ok. Also, I've been painting and such like. I finished the painting I started over break, for the online folk-art class I'm taking. I liked working on wood, rather than canvas, but there is no where to buy just planks around here, so I had to use obscenely expensive pre-made wood thingies, so I'm back to canvas for most stuff probably for a while. I'm pretty happy with the painting overall.

I also started what was going to be an unspecified collage background. However, it was one of those things where the papers just spoke to me, and I suddenly felt the need to skribble with crayons, then add water-oil pastels, smudge them everywhere and it just sort of all happened.
I have a really good feeling about it. I've been seriously inspired by these doodles http://charmagnecoe.com/ and I think that in that vein I'll be putting an ink-watercolor doodle into the center. Possible a flying/back-bending lady, possibly something completely different. I'll do some sketches this week and we'll see what happens.
Adin and Sasha are coming for Rocky this weekend, so it will be fun, but not restful or productive. I've agreed to have the cast party in my house so, it will be crazy.
Plus, a dunp of art from the last couple weeks. A painting. Two art journal spreads (4 pages). And my knitting. Still madly in love with this yarn. Started the second skein a few weeks ago, so I'm more than half done. With any luck, I'll have a purse by break and can start working on something new while I'm at home. Maybe I'll make a trip into the city for a pattern and some redonkulous yarn and make something more challenging than a rectangle. A hat maybe.

Win

I've been trying to figure out why I can't burn CDs from itunes since, you know, December of last year or so. This morning, I win! As a result, the RHPS can have pre-pre-show music. And a lovely pre-pre-show by the monkeys to go with it.
Also, I am going to the Artist's ball at RISD tonight. We leave at 12:30. I must go buy mardi gras beads up the wazzoo. Yay! Costumes and Techno FTW
on the other hand my little feature to post to this from my igoogle home page is not working. bleh. it thinks i have a line error.

An historic evening

I'm not as excited as I should be. I wish I were more emotional. Maybe when he's sworn in, it'll have sunk in more or something.
Considering how much I was freaking out for the first hour or so while McCain was up, I should be happier.
I admit, the world is going to hell a bit slower than I thought, but I doubt highly that Obama will bring the change he touts so often. I hope I'll have to eat my words. I'd like that.
My holy-shit-we're-not-totally screwed brownies burnt. Oh well. Watching the speeches was more important.
I'm tired. I'm not so much happy that its Obama (who is fine, really) as that its not McCain.

oh god

last night, I was THAT GIRL. seriously, like 3 or 4 different groups of frosh were like omg can we call you ems or something. Yuck. Also, what a waste of a perfectly lovely Halloween night and an awesome costume. Which not nearly enough people recognized. Uncultured. And there was not a single Joker to flirt with, oddly enough. Unfortunately, I lost my friends on the way from the D4 party to the campus party and never found them again... But today I am making hangover pancakes! So I expect to see them all shortly.