rushed back from the ass end of nowhere

which is full of hippies who are condescending while trying to be inclusive. Elias had a minor freak when it came time to set up tents, so he decided to peace and I joined him. I'm sorry not to have been there for Christopher, but we had an excellent time.
We went on a completely aimless drive to who knows where through Vermont. Waded in an excellent mountain stream (cold and lovely), then drove more. Pretty pretty countryside. Ended up camping in a very nice state park. Two fire spinners+ wet wood does not= cooked hot dogs. We got the fire going, but not for long. In the end, we bummed fire from neighbors with a propane torch and got delicious dinner. Hot dogs and wine and uncooked s'mores and card games and glow poi. Also, much snuggling in tents and avoiding the rain. Glorious sleep to make up for what we missed in the FORCED MARCH ART PARTY where I made 50 3"x3" paintings in about 12 hours over the course of a day and a half (in addition to other things, like packing, driving to Vermont, watching Firefly and dramatic reading aloud of the rules for the weekend- which basically said Felicia is not welcome, leading to my own freak out. le sigh). So hard. But I recommend forced march art to everyone, it was a brilliant creative excercise.
Ended up racing home because I had to be at bartending class tomorrow, only to find that it was resceduled for next week. Fmylife.
Net net: Forced march art= good. Aimless, technologyless life with Elias= good. I may go to Canada with him in a few weeks, which would be nice, but I don't want to miss the Shiva Rave and I don't want to keep chaging our plan. Even if the plan is no plan, let just do it already.

Why I don't sleep

It's 1:25. I was tired at 8:00, but managed to stave the urge to collapse off until I'd finished eating dinner with my mom, then I had a bath and by 10pm was in bed.
I tried to fall asleep. Really, I did. I have a doctors appointment at 10 am, and I'm going to have a busy weekend, so sleep is really a good idea. I had PT and walked a couple miles, plus the usual poi etc so I should be tired. I am tired.
But I can't sleep. I'm fidgity. I lie in bed and close my eyes and can't get comfortable. I get up, read my book, try again to sleep. No luck. I listen to meditation tapes, mere minutes in I'm literally twitching. I can't relax. My head is starting to hurt. Normally, I'd get out of bed, go downstairs, get a drink (I know it sounds crazy, but a coke would really help). Maybe do my belly dance or some yoga, see if I can get my body to relax. But that would wake my mom. So 3 1/2 hours after getting into bed, I am still in it, awake and *itchy* and increasingly concerned that the weekend will suck if I only sleep 7 hours (which is about the most I could get, even if I fall asleep right now.
F my life

In which there is too much to do

Oh god... today, 2 classes, which were boring and I couldn't focus, but actually participated well and got shit done, then race to work, also boring, where I had to race home and then back so I could remix a song for the poi act.. it sounded crappy, we scrapped it. Then an unproductive meeting for the fans/double staff section of the mixed toy act, followed by a race to an unproductive meeting of the poi act. Twat chat, and a shower, wrote my part of the mixed toy act and sent it out... Now bed. Yay sleep.

SNOW

Yay!
No matter how old I get, or how much I hate the cold and wet, and know that we have months of sucky weather coming where I'll hate everything about winter, there is just something about the first snow. Especially since I didn't know it was out there, I just walked out in my slippers, coat and hat, and SNOW!
Rather than ending the world, this has massively improved it. Or that may be that I've finished all my papers, only need to print this and turn it in, and then study for and take one last final. Then BREAK!
I went to the monkey room to check the fuel situation and fell down the TA stairs. The snow is hiding ice. My butt hurts.
Tonight is for walking, smoking, warming my fingers on my stomach and watching puffs of smoke dissipate. The snow and cloves alternate delicious smells and tastes. Warm and sweet vs cold and clean.

Pay my respects to grace and virtue
Send my condolences to good
Give my regards to soul and romance,
They always did the best they could
And so long to devotion
You taught me everything I know
Wave goodbye
Wish me well..
You've got to let me go

Are we human?
Or are we dancer?
My sign is vital
My hands are cold
And I'm on my knees
Looking for the answer
Are we human?
Or are we dancer?

Will your system be alright
When you dream of home tonight?
There is no message we're receiving
Let me know is your heart still beating

Are we human?
Or are we dancer?
My sign is vital
My hands are cold
And I'm on my knees
Looking for the answer

I've become pretty completely nocturnal.
Off to make art. Doodles and pills, now snow themed.
Oh, and I have a chocolate bomb from babycakes to eat. Moose! *insert hands on either side of head*

In my eyes eyes eyes eyes

So, Friday I got up, put in my contacts, lived my life. After the RHPS, I went to the Everready with some people. My right contact started bugging me, but not too much. I got home around 5 and it didn't want to come out. I finally got it out, but my eye still hurt. I figured I'd gotten a piece of glitter or something in it, and tried to wash it out. No dice. Then I tried to sleep. Too much pain for sleep. And it kept getting worse. Around 6:30am Saturday I gave in and woke Sasha, we went to Baldwin, then to the ER. The dr didn't see anything. He flipped my eyelid inside out, which made it feel a little better, so I came home and slept a few hours. But the pain returned, and got worse, and my vision got cloudy and blurry, and I was sitting on my floor, crying hysterically, and couldn't move or talk it hurt so much. By far the most pain I've ever felt. So Sasha and I went back to the ER, where the Dr said I had contact lense cartatis.... ie my contact got stuck to my cornea, who knows why, and irritated it, and now its all inflamed and angry, so he gave me eye drops and a vicoden prescription. So 3 agonizing trips into pharmacies later we found one that was open, and I got tissues and Vicoden. I called back my paniced mother to reaffirm that she didn't need to come get me and went to sleep. 4 hours later, the vicoden wore off, I woke up, left my mom a scared little girl message "Mommy, my eye hurts, and I don't feel good. I want you to come get me. I want to go home." Then more vicoden and back to bed. Rinse and repeat every 4 hours.
Mom picked me up at 9:30am. I slept in the car, got into her bed (which, since I was little, has been the location for sick children) and went back to sleep. This morning I saw the eye doctor, who confirmed what the ER doctor said. The pain and blurryness are much better, but I probably wont be totally well until Thursday or so. If in the last 72 hours I was a giant bitch to you, I appologize pain makes you a nasty person and vicoden puts you in that not quite awake no filter place. House has his reasons. I slept most of Saturday here, all of saturday night here, all of sunday home, all of sunday night home. and then I got back ehre this afetrnoon and napped, and now, back to sleep.
Sleep is the only thing that doesnt hurt. Movement, light, and focusing (ie the nessecary things for work) are the most painful. I can only function for about 15 min at a time. Ow. And I've apparently used that up now. More eyedrops.
PS stupid fucking Christopher, I've had "in my eyes" stuck in my head since this started which is both ironic and infuriating.

Sleep

Sleep is the most amazing thing. You don't have to do anything else while you sleep. I want to sleep but I have so much to do... and I'm not sleepy. I want to sit up all night, drawing and painting. But Ballet is at 10:30, and I can't be any more sleep deprived than I already am. I'm not sleepy though. Just tired. I don't even really like to sleep, just curl up in that half asleep state where you don't have to get up yet and nothing matters forever. You can't have that before you go to sleep. That drifting, magical place where you have brilliant bursts of inspiration, which you need to write or draw immediately, but can't be bothered to get up, find pen/paper, turn on the light. Its so good, I'll remember it in 15 minutes when I get up. But you never do. Hours later, there's a ghost of it in a feeling you have for a second, but you can never quite grasp it. Usually I sleep either because I am exhausted and fall asleep right away or because I have stuff to do tomorrow, I can't be tired but I can't fall asleep and I get increasingly concerned about how late it is and how little sleep I'm going to get and how tired I'll be... and getting worked up about that can't be helping me fall asleep either.
I have no energy or interest. I have to go to class tomorrow, because I can't afford to miss more ballet, and there is a midterm in Public Finance. Yuck. I haven't studied at all. I don't really care, it doesn't matter. I don't want to ever do anything productive or social ever again. Sasha and Adin are coming for Rocky this weekend, and I'm hosting the cast party as well. Grumble. My glasses just fell behind the bed. Fuck. I'm not so much depressed as apathetic and antisocial. Which means I'm depressed. I should go to bed.
I feel bad because I meant to use this blog for talking about circus, art, recovery, deep thoughts, not just emo whining. In fact, not at all emo whining. I apologize to anyone who reads it, because you shouldn't have to put up with this. I assume you mostly don't, that no one is reading this and that it is out there but ignored. Which, depressingly enough, is quite apt.
I'm miserable and lonely. I'm going to retrive my glasses, finish my beer, set my alarm, and snuggle my teddy bear til I fall asleep.