thnks fr th mmrs

Do you remember when we went out in any weather, pretended to be wizards and stayed up all night. When glitter and top hats and tutus were worn without reason, or concern for what anyone else might say? When pajamas were selected for snugglyness and excellent patterns, not for how sexy someone else would think you looked in them? And everything else was to? What happened to that? Where did those people go? Who stole my magic? I keep trying to blame it on external forces, but the truth is, I did it to myself. Slowly, I let other people tell me who to be and where to go and what to do and what to want. I bet you did too. I ignored myself long enough, hoping I'd just go away and be left with who I was "supposed" to be. But that is so not happening. Normally, when I realize that this is what I've done to myself, and why I'm so unhappy, I get angry and decide to basically tell everyone to go fuck themselves, but in the morning, I can't actually tell my mom to bug off, so I slip back into my old pattern. This time, I'm going to try a different approach. Slower. I'm going to buy a video camera and make art and try to work on writing a book. We'll see.