Daymares

Sometimes, my mind wanders. And by the time I catch up, it's gone someplace awful. It's taken a stray thought and turned it into a full blown worst-case scenario. It's something mundane, and entirely possible, but totally sucky. And I can't unthink it, so I get all freaked out and paranoid. Plus, I often feel bad that the thought even occurred to me, because it often postulates someone I like doing something nasty to me and I don't like the idea that I subconsciously think actual bad things about my friends.
I dunno if this is something that happens to other people, but I've been having a lot of these recently. I'm not depressed or anything, just psyching myself out for no reason. It's mostly just interpersonal drama stuff that will never happen because my life isn't a tv show and normal people do not actual do or say the things that go on in these "dreams". They could, but only if they were crazy would they actually. I mean I suppose it's theoretically possible that the camping trip this weekend will turn into some weird "nobody likes me change who I am or lose my friends" ultimatum but I seriously doubt it. With the rational portion of my brain. The irrational portion is less convinced. Obviously, or why the hell else would my brain go there?
Imagination was less complicated when it played in fantasy worlds. If this happened in middle school, it would've been a giant fight with Batman and Wolverine beating the crap out of each other. Far less emotionally taxing.
On a substantially more positive note, I went to fire last night with some NY spinners. It was super fun, except for the enormous trek back and forth across Manhattan because we couldn't agree on where to spin. My feet were hurting by the end. This is the second Got Fire? I've been too, and I would now officially say- last time was not a fluke. I think I like these people. I think they might be convinced to like me too. Certainly, they seem appropriately strange, and didn't appear offended by my personality. Also, they're very chill despite being way better than I am... way way better. But I had a really good time anyway, and they were nice to me. Added bonus: they're pretty hilarious. Especially Andrew, who dances to his iphone while walking and found unworn white gogo boots in the trash. They fit Jasmine's tiny feet, so she has new boots!
Last weekend was still not dead yet day. Not the party I planned, but I had a good time going to MA with George, Foley, Amber and Ropke. Friday night we went to CT, played Tiki God, swam in the lake and stayed up more or less all night. This may not have been clever given that we got up at 9am to drive to Pittsfield where Amber and Ropke had lunch with her brother while George, Foley and I wandered. We found ice cream. Then we drove to Northampton for much needed naps and excellent burgers and the game of Life because we were too tired for anything more complicated. Sunday, George and I took a bus to Boston for his mom's birthday. Monday we went with his parents to the Adams National Historic Park. (Yes, a whole day of history and John Adams. No, they didn't drag us, I picked. My love for John Adams surpasses words. I was ecstatic. I know I'm a nerd.) All in all a very fun weekend, although perhaps a bit more sleep should have been scheduled. But really, why would I sleep in the car? I'd've missed the Dr. Horrible sing-along, which would have been sadface. On the other hand, I'd've also missed the half hour super repetitive humming song. That was painful. I think Ropke's brushing up on his torture techniques. Truly evil.
Other than that, it's been watching Buffy at an appalling rate and sending out a disgusting number of resumes with no responses. Very heartening.
This weekend is a camping trip. Telling myself that it'll be fun, not just sweaty and potentially drama-filled.
I've been making art all day but I don't feel like trying to do pictures now. Also, I figured someone might appreciate an actual update rather than just bad images of things I made. Also, I'm exhausted and trying for bed at a reasonable hour (that is, before the birds start). Also (third times the charm) I've done something painful to my back and my feet still hurt from my Manhattan hike, so I should rest before Saturday's real hike.

Get out of my head

Oh Elias, I see you there at work in the day time
Do you think you could answer all the questions in the world
In just one word - I think you could


if you die will I get word that you're gone
will I hear it in passing conversation
or will I stop short and fall to the ground
distance is short when your hand carries what your eye found
hold my hand just one more time
to see if you're really going to meet me
hold my hand just one more time
to see if you're really going to meet me

Excuse me, but do you know what time it would be if we were on Mars?

5 in the morning!
I've seen quite a few of those over the last couple of weeks. And the next few look just as hectic. Life has been super busy, with the art show I'm interning for opening tomorrow and family stuff (my grandpa just got out of the hospital) and social stuff. Every weekend from here to August is already full. It's mostly good but exhausting. Good hectic, parties and weddings and swimming and such. Which means art happens at 4am. And I'm up all night. It's kinda great.
I've made art! (Bet you're shocked).... some of the pieces look way better in reality than in these photos.

I really like these more figurative figures. They kinda look representative and universally iconic, or maybe it's just me. (So much beeswax and maybe too much crayon? The wax is thicker and more opaque then I'd intended.)

Art is the way of showing the outside world what our inside looks like (PS I <3 Work of Art)

Hat Shaped Hat (In walked a man in the shape of a man holding a hat shaped hat and he held up 2 fingers and said how many fingers and I said peace man that's where it's at)

No clue what's going on with this page... affirmations on the left in the background, oddly sad? girl on the right.

Last page! Just experimenting with drawing with the crayons then melting just them rather than powdering them into the beeswax flecks to melt over the page. I don't like it.

I've finished this volume of art journal. I have a new one to start, but I can't unwrap until I give this one a cover. So I've done some stuff in other places:

These faces in the watercolor journal are less visible than I'd like. An experiment in technique (the pastel woman in the background, H20 pencils on aged book pages, how I draw hair).

I had no plan for this page in the Book of Dreams. I just really wanted to do a gesso transfer with the tree in the right so I shaped the page around it. I'm not so happy with the left, but the right makes me super happy. The transfer came out really well I think, worth the pain in the butt of rubbing all the paper off. Maybe with some journaling it'd be better.

Update

Bleh. I'm sure I've done lots of things since I last posted. It's certainly felt very busy.

Hmm... what have I done?

Well, these are from when Kate was here.

Yes, Tim Burton is creepy. I am shitty gifts. Overly cheerful, never given, shitty gift background card thingies.

This is the gessoed magazine woman, for those of you who got to enjoy my ranting about it.

I also added to my Shadow Aspects/ Embrace the Light page. I really like this gold. It's just shitty craft pain, but it really moves and catches the light.

I made the June page. Dunno why it's so depressed. I was feeling greys and black and white and red. Apparently.

After Kate left, my friends and I went to Playland. I dunno what's up with this piece. Other than that it's washed out and oddly red and slightly out of focus in this picture.

And this week I've done this scribbly piece. It may end up a background with something over it or it may stay like this. For now, I'm happy with it. And haha there's writing under all those layers, and you'd never even notice. It tells a really hilarious story that you will never read. And I won't tell you.

And this pair of moth/flame sketches (maybe for a painting?) And they're also super red and weird. FML.

Oh! Those were in honor of Pyrophelia, a Blood Dumpster art collective show about fire by some of George's friends. We went and hung out with Foley and had an excellent time. I got to spin fire! Yay! But I forgot how much I hate audiences. Especially when I have nothing planned and no music and am totally out of practice.

And all week I've been working on this piece. The background was so pretty I just looked at it for a few days, scared becasue anything I could think of to do to it would ruin it but I didn't quite want to leave it as it was.
This is how the piece came into being (dramatization):
me: I'm gonna do something realistic!
george: can you do realistic art?
me: of course. i just don't because I don't like it.
george: then why... ok. make realistic art.
*several weeks later (in which i have attempted almost no realistic art. what i have done has rapidly morphed into sillyland.*
me: i hate realism. it's boring. and it takes me forever. and it's never quite right.
george: then stop doing it.
me: but... ok. I'm going to make something totally abstract! I rebel against your realities, realism. fuck you and your looking like things. i'll do a jackson pollack! take that!
george: ok. make something abstract.
*layer 1 complete*
me: it's so pretty. if i touch it, I'll ruin it. maybe i'll send you pics and you can tell me what you think.
george: ok.
*several days of blithering and quite a few rejected plans later*

Close-up!

Today I worked on this page, I am well-adjusted/ Everything I say is profound. Thank you Elias and Danielle.

And I think that's about all from me. I hear wildfire was awesome, and I'm sorry I missed it. I was with you in spirit, rocking out with my fire poi at Pyrophilia.

Holy blog updates Batman! A real post!

So, while I have fallen off the earth somewhat since the plague, it is not because I have been lame and had nothing to report. On the contrary, since my last post, there has been all sorts of excitement.
I saw Matt, which was excellent. I went to the Steampunk World's Fair with George and Mike and a couple of their friends (also highly excellent and an excuse for a corset and the top hat- win!) Excellent photos on Facebook... mike spent much of the day stalking me like I was a wild animal in an attempt at gaining photos which were 1) not full of me giving the finger and 2) good. He was successful. Also, we discovered Emperor Norton's Stationary Marching Band, and let me tell you. There is so much happy to be had in a 2 am impromptu hotel parking lot dance party with 150 people in steampunk outfits raving like maniacs to a big band jazz cover of "sexyback". Best. Party. Ever.
Last week, I saw Ovo which was really good, even the clowns were funny (a minor circus miracle) and Stuffed and Unstrung, which turned out to be enjoyable despite the attendant drama. Met up with Kate Tracy and Christopher and Sophie on Saturday, expedition to bra shopping and lunch, then Kate came home with me, and Sunday we drove to Vassar to collect her stuff. Unfortunately, everything that could go wrong in car rental did go wrong, so we didn't get there until 4:30ish and didn't really get to see people. We did get furniture, and then we had a couple days of hanging out/ art party. Yesterday we collected Christopher and all went to MoMA for Marina Abromovic's "The Artist is Present". It was... interesting. Not the art I want to make, but it does make you think. If anything can be art, then maybe everything is art, and I don't know where I'm going with this. More thinking is required. But I don't want strangers to be allowed to use knives, whips, sugar cubes, etc on me with impunity. That sounded awful. I've never been nervous about a grape before. Great Wall of China walks as break up tools yes, carving the communist star into my tummy no.
I've also been making lots of art! Lots and Lots and LOTS. But I only have pictures of things from before this week, as my camera battery needs to charge, so anything I hadn't already photographed will have to wait. Still a huge art dump.
Book Of Dreams
April EnVision Collage

Have I mentioned that sometimes I hate my body?

Spontaneity! (I know it's misspelled, I figured going to look it up would be contrary to the point)

I used an Ovo ad, so it folds open. which is awesome. 

Sponteneity is Humility in face of the awe of the Univere's power. (David object that this is not accurate, and it should be "the capriciousness of the universe" or some such. He's a pain.)

And then it folds down, to fit more awesome. (The thing in the curve of the moon is a tiny tarot card- The Fool, for beginnings, possibilities and the unknown.)

May EnVision Collage

Page on Shadow and Light aspects of Self. 

In the subway passage at the Bryant Park F/V/7 there's a mosaic of roots and such that inspired this sketch ages ago... finally went over it with pen so it was visible. 

Yes, the leaves are eyes. All of them. It took ages.

Yeah... I may dislike my period. Just a little. 

How to Fight Lonliness

This was for the May art journal challenge. I'm not even showing the rest of the things becasue this is already a huge art dump and I don't like them that much. The prompt for this one was cut an interesting edge into a page (which I'd never done before and really liked). 

This is why I should remember to update regularly. I'm leaving things out, and still no one cares because it's way too long. I'm skipping over a painting and several more art journal pages that don't please me all that much. The painting I started today is looking really good so far, and my art journal pages came out nicely. So with any luck I'll post those soonish. 

And that's my story. And then I found $5, ate a bowl of cereal, fought batman, and we got naked. The end. 

How to Fight Lonliness

How to fight loneliness
Smile all the time
Shine your teeth to meaningless
And sharpen them with lies

And whatever is going down
Will you follow around
That's how you fight loneliness

You laugh at every joke
Drag your blanket blindly
Fill your heart with smoke

And the first thing that you want
Will be the last thing you'll ever need
That's how you fight it

Just smile all the time
Just smile all the time
Just smile all the time
Just smile all the time

Take your clothes off! The circus is evil!

http://www.hollywoodlife.com/2010/04/27/olivia-munn-peta-circus-elephants/

Wow. As always, naked women are the way to go for convincing me of things. Especially if by things you mean earthquakes. However, taking your clothes off and telling people not to go to the circus seems dumb. How about keeping your clothes on, treating women like we have brains and not just breasts, and making a rational argument against mistreatment of animals rather than a wild attack on all circuses. Many circuses do not use animals at all, and some that do are very very clear about the fact that the animals are treated more than humanely. (Also, the humans at circuses often don't live much better than the animals from what I understand, but that's not a problem. I suppose it's their own fault for working in a circus.) As always seems to be the case, PETA is more concerned with making a statement than with accuracy, women's rights, or intelligence.
Also, today I saw a terrifying add for Folgers coffee. http://link.brightcove.com/services/player/bcpid1320151605?bctid=60450628001 Warning: this commercial is creepy and sexist and makes my stomach turn.
Or that may just be the plague.

I can has not plague?

LolFelicia is dying. I have a temp of 102 (after tylenol) and I'm dizzy and kinda faint. Also, I just learned that attempts to walk up stars will be met with vomit. I hate my life. I am too headachy to read, and I slept all day, so while I'm exhausted, I'm not sleepy. I'm also freezing. I have finally admitted that I am in fact sick, and will now commence several days of lying in bed and drinking copious amounts of water and tea.
I can't even take any real drugs, and I have finished the tylenol. Also, the culprit has been located: apparently, the plague started with my grandma. So it's not even someone I can be annoyed with.
In other news, my new boss called while I was napping and woke me. I then carefully scheduled my first day at work while I am supposed to be in the city for a stroke deposition. Assuming I haven't expired in the next 6 days. Fml.

Riddler

My quest for Riddler drawings has had some interesting results....
I found this awesome post on Wolverine's fashion choices.
And this highly disturbing vid of an old WB ad... WARNING- this video will most likely scar you for life. And no, I won't tell you more than that. Just bear in mind that this was an actual thing and not some poor bastard dubbing over a scene...
And I've had a somewhat disturbing chat with George about how question marks should not be tattooed down your happy trail, because it's not an area where you should really need to be asking questions.... If you have no idea why that would even occur to us, this is the reason:

Creepy. But I maintain that disturbing as the idea of Riddler and sex is, it could worse. It could be Penguin. (Was I the only one who suffered severe emotional trauma as a result of the scene where he tries to hit on Catwoman?)
Ok. Less questing for Riddler images, more making birthday gift for my mom.

...And sometimes, you fly

Yesterday, I was going to do a "Spontaneity is humbleness in the face of the Awesomeness of the Universe" page, but I got distracted first by looking for pics of the Riddler that weren't too cartoony so I could start thinking about character sketches for the comic Steve wrote, which I offered to draw for him, because the sketches I started on the train into the city are terrible.
Riddle me this: Why does my Riddler look like anime Snape?

Because I have no feeling for the Riddler, and the realism skills of a 3rd grader.
and then that morphed into a plan for a page on the previously mentioned 3rd option. Given that my plan was to do a page about spontaneity, it seemed silly to not be spontaneous.
Based off this page from Fables & Reflections

I have created this version (Pitt Pens and gesso and watercolor)

Which I'm actually very pleased with. Rarely do I finish a page and think, "hmm, that's actually good. If this were a real painting and not a page in my journal, someone might buy this" but I have that feeling about this page. Dunno how much it really counts, since it's not all that original, being largely ripped from the actual Sandman illustration, but I like it. Perhaps one day, when I get my act together, I'll turn it into a real piece in a format I could actually sell.

Last week I was enjoying the glory of spring and did a mixed-media (pitt pens, watercolor pencils, stamps, ink, acrylic, collage paper, real flowers and gesso) piece based on that. Some parts I'm really happy with, others not so much.

In Other News: There was CAKE. It was glorious. Chocolate Strawberry Moouse Cake FTW

God, that looks like the whole top of the cake is on fire... George must be really old. But no, it's only a dozen candles. They're just really bright. 

(The cake is delicious, but it might have benefited from not needing to be transported from New Ro to Brooklyn, as it got slightly squished and melty in transit)

Recipe:
Cake (adopted from the internet):
1c coffee
1c milk
8oz pureed Strawberries
4 egg whites
2c flour
2t vanilla
2c sugar
3/4c baking cocoa
2t baking soda
1t baking powder
1/4t salt

Combine coffee, milk, strawberries, vanilla and egg whites. Mix well.
Combine flour, sugar, cocoa, baking soda, baking powder, and salt. Add to wet mix.
Beat 2 min until well blended.
Bake at 350 in two 9-in rounds (buttered and floured) for 30-35 min

Moouse (my family's chocolate moouse recipe):
4 eggs, separated
8oz bittersweet chocolate
vanilla, grand mariner, or coffee to perfume
2c heavy cream

Whip egg whites
Whip cream and perfume
Melt chocolate
Temper chocolate with egg yolks, then combine and mix well.
Fold chocolate mix into egg whites and cream. Fold, do not mix, or you'll lose the fluffyness.
Refrigerate at least 4 hours, preferably overnight to set. Can be frozen.

Chocolate Ganache (flat out stolen from the internet):
8oz semisweet chocolate
1c heavy cream
1t rum (I used grand mariner)

Chop chocolate into bits
Bring cream to a boil then immediately pour over chocolate.Whisk until chocolate is melted. Add rum.

Assembly:
Take 1 cooled cake round, spread a layer of moouse. Top with layer of sliced strawberries, then another of moouse. Place second cake round on top. Pour warm ganache over top of cake, dip aprox 6 strawberries (leafy bits removed) in ganache and use them to decorate the top. Return to fridge.
I had enough Strawberries (I bought a 2lb container) and ganache left to make about a dozen chocolate dipped strawberries. Also delicious.

I had a very good weekend. George and I wandered Prospect Park, watched Ponyo and Amelie, both of which were excellent, made meatballs for dinner and crepes for breakfast. Delicious and happy. Sunday, lots of people came over for his birthday and we played about 10+ hours of boardgames before pizza and cake.
I'm so happy, it's freaky. Really, it worries me a lot.

Third Option

A while back, I wrote a post on acrophobia. Fear of heights. About being half-way up a cliff, and not knowing how to keep climbing, and the paralyzing fear of falling.
And today, I was rereading Sandman. I opened Fables and Reflections and the very first bit is a guy who's afraid of heights having a dream about climbing a cliff. He's explaining his fear to Morpheus, who informs him, "It is sometimes a mistake to climb. It is always a mistake never even to make the attempt. If you do not climb, you will not fall. This is true. But is it that bad to fail, that hard to fall? Sometimes you wake, and sometimes, yes, you die. But there is a third alternative."
There's more going on than I've explained. But my point remains: I am tired of paralysis. I am over it. I am still afraid, but seriously, the fear is not helping. Neither is the stillness.
Movement, then, is the only option. And hopefully, the third alternative.
Off to the art journal and hopefully to the supermarket for cake-baking supplies. I've chosen George's b-day over the spring fire show, and I don't regret it or feel bad. Either I've gotten a life, or I've gotten more mature. You pick which seems less unlikely.

Real art! (ish)

So since last post, I have been bizarrely productive. I have about 5 spreads to show you and I've done huge amounts of cleaning, yard work, and other things. Also, tonight Mike came over and toweled so I got to do some fire, which was glorious. I haven't spun since September, and I missed it dreadfully. Basically, everything in my life is either rapidly moving towards complete awesomeness or settled comfortably enough. I am stupidly happy. It's kinda freaking me out.

Anyway, art time.

So last time I posted what was intended to be piece 1 of 3 (This is a Fire Door Never Leave Open).

(Our letters sound the same- full of all our changing that isn't change at all- All straight lines circle sometime)

Originally, I didn't realize or intend for them all to be Weakerthan's songs, or to be songs at all. But then the second one happened to be a Weakerthan's song too. So now I have finished all 3 and here they are.

Guy 2- Time's Arrow

(So you whisper your arrival walking backwards to the door wonder breifly what it is you're hesitating for)

And then, I wanted the third page to match up. So I needed to pick a Weakerthan's song for the remaining guy. My first inclination was The Reasons, but it's way too early to say I love you. Which is what that song means to me. So I ended up with My Favourite Chords, which I think is actually better.

(You are a radio. You are an open door. I am a faulty string of blue christmas lights. You swim through frequencies. You let that stranger in. As I'm blinking off and on and off again. We've got a lot of time- or maybe we don't. But I'd like to think so, so let me pretend.)

I've also bought Sheri Gaynor's book, Creative Awakenings and started working with that. So far I've decorated my cover- not according to the instructions. ;p

I've answered the starting questions

And done the first "EnVision Dreamtime" spread, which will continue to grow and change over the month. So I'll post it again at the end of the month.

And that's about all I'm up to.

More More Art Art

Life goes on as usual. My mom is in Jamaica this week, so I am queen of the house. Which should be more exciting than it is, as mostly, I've done the same things as if she were here (art, pretend to work on resumes, talk to George on Gchat all day).... I have actually made significant room cleaning progress, removing several metric tons of empty coke bottles/cans and locating huge swaths of floor as well as unpacking my spring/summer clothes. I am kinda freaked out by how clean my bathroom is at the moment.
Also, today is the last day of March... meaning today is the last day of the March Art Journal Challenge.

3/25- Words; 3/26- Photograph (Friedman refers to this as a myspace photo b/c I took it of myself)

3/27- Think; 3/28 "Ideas are like rabbits, you get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."- John Steinbeck (Flavortext at the top says "Plot Bunnies"- there has been a large quantity of fanfic in my life this week. I blame George.)

3/29- Splatter; 3/30- Pencil & Gesso, Gesso & Pencil

3/31- One for the road; Bonus- not assigned, but I wanted to use both sides (OCD, me? Never) The End

Bonus Bonus- This Is A Fire Door Never Leave Open
(This is a terrible pic of a page that came out quite nicely. About/for one of the lovely gentlemen in my life (ha). If you can't guess who, you don't know me very well. Eventually, there will be 2 more of these... but as I am expecting Friedman in about 10 minutes, not today.)

Tomorrow I am going into the city to see George and attend a reading of Steve's play. Should be interesting. Then Friday, I'm off to the Met to see the Victorian Collage exhibit before it closes.