It's not the end of the world, in fact it's not even the end of the summer

But thank god the TV is on,
'cause there's no way we could know
Anything that’s goin' down
Or how we're supposed to be feeling about it
I can't tell you how much I wish we could shut up and smile, yeah
-Bowling for Soup- Shut up and Smile

Actually, it is the end of the summer. The end of that period where life is in limbo, just waiting for a decision and it'll all work out if I just give it time. The heat hasn't broken, in fact the rain only recently stopped. School is starting, but I am not invited- I was so desperate to be done with it, but now, I have nothing to fill my days. My mom is going to come home for good soon, and then, the (until now) intermittent nagging to get a job or go to classes or Something, to figure out my life, will become constant. The more I think about reality, the more I want to curl up and never ever do anything.
I feel isolated. Not lonely, because I see people and go out, and I'm happy not to do so all the time, and because when my mother is home, I feel more alone. Just- I love my friends here, but the relationships are different. They aren't touchy-feely. At Vassar, my sarcasm and loudness work because it has contrast. People like Dierdre and Danielle who are happy and bouncy, people like Katie and Devin who are quiet or sweet or immature. Here, there are two choices, loud and sarcastic or quiet and acerbic. The others got scared off or overpowered, or indocrinated or something. Some of them come back and visit, but the group is shrinking, shriveling as it ages into a sour fruit. Leave us long enough, we'll ferment into vinegar. We love each other, but like my family, my friends show it by playfully (for the most part, although less so in my family) torturing eachother. There is no snuggling. No sharing of intimate fears, hopes or thoughts. I mean, I do, master of the overshare that I am, but no one else does. In some cases I know exactly why. I mean, if Friedman started to tell me about his deepest thoughts I would probably try to take his temperature (and certainly ask if he was feeling alright/ make a joke about not wanting to know his innermost thoughts because tenatcle porn gives me nightmares or something). And, I probably have more deep, honest talks with him than with everyone else combined. Maybe they share important stuff with eachother, and the problem is me. I joined this band of misfits much later than almost everyone else, I talk about myself too much, I'm certainly not likely to be a prime target for sharing of secrets. After all, I tell everyone so much, I must not be able to hide anything. Not true. I keep my actual secrets very well. And other people's even better. My standards for what qualifies as a secret are just very high.
I don't know what I want from them. I don't know what I want from myself. I don't know what I want from life. I do know that I need a hug and I am tired of sleeping alone and not having anything to DO. I don't function well when I have no one to take care of/ no crisis to solve.

I haven't gotten out of my PJs all day. I've done the usual: looked all over craigslist for a job, looked up pieces for a halloween costume (we're doing Xmen, I'll probably be Rouge. Maybe Psylocke, if I decided I want to be very naked. Why are the individual xmen- especially the women- so lame?). I'm trying to be a productive human - for me that means:

philosophical thoughts: How can you explain why you care to someone who doesn't? Is caring a good thing? Elias is trying very hard not to care about others, and not to act on any caring he feels, in order to be able to take care of himself. He thinks that's fine as long as you allow people to leave and make it clear that that is your plan. He points out that I'm much better at that than he is. Yes, I am very good at making it clear that I am a selfish bitch. But then I go and try to take care of others and get upset that no one spends nearly as much (sometimes it feels like no one spends any) time or energy on trying to help me/worrying about my needs. Certainly that plan isn't working out very well for me. And I don't know why I keep doing it. Or how to stop if I decide I want to. But I think not caring about how you affect others makes you a sociopath. So I'm skeptical at best about his plan. I dunno. Going to see him in Toronto may be a terrible plan. We had what I expected/intended to be a fight about it, but as always, he was calm and logical, and so I have a lot of trouble being pissed off because he's so calm and just wants me to explain better so he can understand. Unfortunately, much of it is emotional, so just as I cannot explain why I care so much about other people, I cannot explain why him not caring upsets me. It's just how I feel. When I get tired of philosophy,

I watch bad TV and try to paint:
Today, watercolors. a gunfight, and then flowers. And a tree. With leaves, much less skeletal and depressing than I usually make. Someone who found my art would really think I was fucked up. Bloody wounds, immediately followed by pansies and snowdrops.

And more lyrics, this time, a departure from the Weakerthans. Gary Jules's "Pills"
I've taken all my pills
But I'm still not sleepy
Tried to trick myself into thinking
That I'm not awake
That it's only a dream
Put that cigarette out
Don't ask me no questions
Salome dancing on my wall
And the shadows on the floor
Look so warm from here
I've seen it all before
Just one little lie
But the difference is this
It meant the world to me
Don't ask me no questions
"Take the wheel" she said "as I wander"
We could leave this town
I've got all I need: spirit, hope and joy
But no one knows me
I think I lost my pills
Guess I'll take my chances
I'm looking at the telephone
But nothing happens
I am well aware
That the morning is near
Put the radio down
Don't ask me no questions

More honest than I should be

adrift
in a sea of Tears without Reason
I can't make any art
and my poetry attempts are cliched and Awful
I need a cigarette
and a New life.

Aside

Measure me in metered lines
And one decisive stare
The time it takes to get from here to there
My ribs that show through t-shirts
And these shoes I got for free
I'm unconsoled
I'm lonely
I am so much better than I used to be
Terrified of telephones
And shopping malls and knives
Drowning in the pools of other lives
Rely a bit too heavily
On alcohol and irony
Get clobbered on by courtesy
In love with love and lousy poetry
And I'm leaning on this broken fence
Between past and present tense
And I'm losing all those stupid games
That I swore I'd never play
But it almost feels okay

I'm taking a bartending class. I'm sure they all think I'm an alcoholic. Also, that I was one of those freaky spelling-bee kids. I'm doing a good job on the memorization, and the basic math. What can I say? There are only 3 of us, which means lots of practice. One of them (Cindy) is nervous as hell and the other (Jose?) is just bland. I, of course, cannot seem to shut up.
Because the universe thinks it's funny to taunt me Jose (I think that's his name- shows what a strong impression he's made) wants me to go out for a drink with him. He's not a bad looking guy, seems perfectly nice, but not interesting in any way.
Ok universe, I've stopped saying the problem was that no one is interested in me. But still you persist. That makes what, 6? Fmylife. I should ask Nina what she does with things like this or something.
At least the class is interesting. I feel like I could o this- you know get a JOB (gasp).

On a completely different note, I've finished the purse I was knitting. Once it's sewn up and lined, I'll post pics. I've started a hat.

I could tell you what my life consists of

but I wouldn't know how. It probably wouldn't be terribly sensical or interesting, anyway.
Suffice it to say, GI Joe is a silly movie, hookahs are good shit, and interesting things are talked about at 3:30 in the morning.
Last night, or rather today, I dreamed that I was swimming in my lake with Beyonce and there was a storm and some woman swimming along with a propane torch dropped it and it lit one of the 3 red underwater ladders and lit it on fire. WHAT THE FUCK?

Watching bad TV
Eating ice cream straight out of the carton
Taking breaks to
Listen to the Weakerthans and
Make dip pen ink sketches
What has my life come to?

We're the middle children of history....
We have no Great War, no Great Depression.
Our great war is a spiritual war.
Our great depression is our lives.

i need a job

or at least a plan. Or something. maybe I'll run away and teach english in Greece or Italy or France or Spain for a while....

rushed back from the ass end of nowhere

which is full of hippies who are condescending while trying to be inclusive. Elias had a minor freak when it came time to set up tents, so he decided to peace and I joined him. I'm sorry not to have been there for Christopher, but we had an excellent time.
We went on a completely aimless drive to who knows where through Vermont. Waded in an excellent mountain stream (cold and lovely), then drove more. Pretty pretty countryside. Ended up camping in a very nice state park. Two fire spinners+ wet wood does not= cooked hot dogs. We got the fire going, but not for long. In the end, we bummed fire from neighbors with a propane torch and got delicious dinner. Hot dogs and wine and uncooked s'mores and card games and glow poi. Also, much snuggling in tents and avoiding the rain. Glorious sleep to make up for what we missed in the FORCED MARCH ART PARTY where I made 50 3"x3" paintings in about 12 hours over the course of a day and a half (in addition to other things, like packing, driving to Vermont, watching Firefly and dramatic reading aloud of the rules for the weekend- which basically said Felicia is not welcome, leading to my own freak out. le sigh). So hard. But I recommend forced march art to everyone, it was a brilliant creative excercise.
Ended up racing home because I had to be at bartending class tomorrow, only to find that it was resceduled for next week. Fmylife.
Net net: Forced march art= good. Aimless, technologyless life with Elias= good. I may go to Canada with him in a few weeks, which would be nice, but I don't want to miss the Shiva Rave and I don't want to keep chaging our plan. Even if the plan is no plan, let just do it already.