There is no way to avoid feeling shitty on Valentine's Day. Let's be honest, I could list 50 real reasons why I'm opposed to Valentine's day, and I do. But those are not the cause of my hatred. They are rationalizations, designed to hide this fundamental truth: Valentine's Day sucks. It makes me miserable. No amount of productivity, shitty romance movies and hagen das can even begin to compare with how bad this day makes me feel, even when I pretend it isn't happening. I hate Valentines Day, I hate being single, and I hate the fact that it comes right before my birthday so all the progress of months of telling myself that I'm awesome and everything will work itself out gets stomped on today, so when we get to my birthday there is no chance of me feeling anything but awful. Writing cards to my friends to tell them how much I love them and doing thumbnails for my stroke comic hasn't exactly helped either. This is one of those depressing posts I should just delete. It's only going to make me feel worse when no one responds. I wish I were the sort of girl who could just go out and pick up some random stranger for sex. At least then I'd be pathetic and getting laid, rather than just pathetic. Stupid standards. Stupid self respect. FML.
At least my teddy bear is good for cuddles. I need a hug.

Anger!

I'm super ticked off right now. I got a new flip ultra hd for xmas, and today, I tried to record some art journal stuff so I could post my first video after the new year. Unfortunately, my camera was low on batteries. So, I plugged it in to my laptop to charge. (like my other camera, when you plug it in, it auto opens it's software). So about an hour and a half later, I push the little eject icon like I would for my ipod, then unplug it. When I then tried to turn it on, nothing happened. So I plugged it back into my laptop, which no longer recognizes it at all. Well, fmylife. So I go hunting through the flip website for something helpful, only to learn that the eject icon is not actually enough. Just because the software no longer sees your camera, it's not safe to remove it. You must close the software and "safely remove hardware" in my computer. Otherwise, you risk permanently corrupting the camera. Good to know, now that I've done it. Why the fuck would you put in an eject button if it doesn't eject the camera? Just so I'll be fucked? I've emailed their tech support and supposedly they'll get back to me within 24 hours. Which is dandy, except I'd kinda like the camera to work on New Years Eve. And oh yeah, now, when I was trying to use it. Sometimes, I hate technology.

secrets

A few weeks ago, someone told me that secrets were the source of power.
I've been mulling that, because while my response was that I don't keep secrets, and I tell everyone everything, or everything I know and therefore can tell, that was true but somehow inaccurate?
Anyway, today I realized that by telling people everything, I am saying I don't want to play power games. "Here, look, now you know. And so does everyone else" thus, no secrets. No power. And this bothers them, but they won't admit it. Which gives me power. Which is passive-aggressive. Except that I'm not doing it to get power- I just think if we didn't have to lie and hide things, we'd all be happier and more secure in our relationships. And like all of my other decent-human initiatives, I am trying to lead by example and succeeding only in making everyone else pissed off, and myself miserable. Fmylife.
On a less somber note, Friedman and I had a discussion of secrets today.
David: !

infernally delicious cupcakes!

sooooooo you may have to come in my car and bring your cupcakes

your delicious delicious cupcakes

and you may or may not have cupcakes upon arrival

me: I don't know if they're delicious. I have been virtuous and not eaten them, merely decorated. for hours

David: i don't understand

how do you not eat cupcakes?

also, what is this 'virtue' you speak of?

me: well, i mostly do it by eating something super filling before I start decorating. with a taste that wouldn't combine well with cupcake

David: wow

that is incredibly smart
me: and then when I think cupcake! Nom time! I remember, but there are exactly enough to make an even number of each design, and I'm full of eggs, and my mouth tastes like eggs...

I am a genius

David: lol

me: and remember that on Saturday, I'm planning to run around manhattan in a skin-tight outfit, and that I'm already sort of a giant fatty

David: this is why the things i cook never last more than 30-45 minutes

oh right

estrogen

that's your secret

that, and society's backhand to feminine self-esteem

i'm so less confused now

me: I really don't think that it is secret that 1) i have estrogen or 2) society is hell on the self-esteem of those who have estrogen

David: it's secret because it didn't occur to me before i asked.

shh.

me: ok maybe the secret is that you are a fatty with no self-control
David: 1) not a secret

to either of us

2) not a problem, either

me: because you lack estrogen?

David: well

yes

actually

me: or because your costume allows for pants?

David: also, gambit wears a not-narrowly-tailored full-length coat

oh, and pants

And then a segue into costumes, followed by an even more amusing conversation about how next year we should go as "twisted" product mascots - Tony the Tigger (like winnie the pooh) Toucan uncle sam Pillsbury "dough" boy (made of $$$), sit-stay puffed marshmellow man (dressed as a dog), Ulysses S Grant Jemima etc.

Aside

Measure me in metered lines
And one decisive stare
The time it takes to get from here to there
My ribs that show through t-shirts
And these shoes I got for free
I'm unconsoled
I'm lonely
I am so much better than I used to be
Terrified of telephones
And shopping malls and knives
Drowning in the pools of other lives
Rely a bit too heavily
On alcohol and irony
Get clobbered on by courtesy
In love with love and lousy poetry
And I'm leaning on this broken fence
Between past and present tense
And I'm losing all those stupid games
That I swore I'd never play
But it almost feels okay

I'm taking a bartending class. I'm sure they all think I'm an alcoholic. Also, that I was one of those freaky spelling-bee kids. I'm doing a good job on the memorization, and the basic math. What can I say? There are only 3 of us, which means lots of practice. One of them (Cindy) is nervous as hell and the other (Jose?) is just bland. I, of course, cannot seem to shut up.
Because the universe thinks it's funny to taunt me Jose (I think that's his name- shows what a strong impression he's made) wants me to go out for a drink with him. He's not a bad looking guy, seems perfectly nice, but not interesting in any way.
Ok universe, I've stopped saying the problem was that no one is interested in me. But still you persist. That makes what, 6? Fmylife. I should ask Nina what she does with things like this or something.
At least the class is interesting. I feel like I could o this- you know get a JOB (gasp).

On a completely different note, I've finished the purse I was knitting. Once it's sewn up and lined, I'll post pics. I've started a hat.

Watching bad TV
Eating ice cream straight out of the carton
Taking breaks to
Listen to the Weakerthans and
Make dip pen ink sketches
What has my life come to?

We're the middle children of history....
We have no Great War, no Great Depression.
Our great war is a spiritual war.
Our great depression is our lives.

rushed back from the ass end of nowhere

which is full of hippies who are condescending while trying to be inclusive. Elias had a minor freak when it came time to set up tents, so he decided to peace and I joined him. I'm sorry not to have been there for Christopher, but we had an excellent time.
We went on a completely aimless drive to who knows where through Vermont. Waded in an excellent mountain stream (cold and lovely), then drove more. Pretty pretty countryside. Ended up camping in a very nice state park. Two fire spinners+ wet wood does not= cooked hot dogs. We got the fire going, but not for long. In the end, we bummed fire from neighbors with a propane torch and got delicious dinner. Hot dogs and wine and uncooked s'mores and card games and glow poi. Also, much snuggling in tents and avoiding the rain. Glorious sleep to make up for what we missed in the FORCED MARCH ART PARTY where I made 50 3"x3" paintings in about 12 hours over the course of a day and a half (in addition to other things, like packing, driving to Vermont, watching Firefly and dramatic reading aloud of the rules for the weekend- which basically said Felicia is not welcome, leading to my own freak out. le sigh). So hard. But I recommend forced march art to everyone, it was a brilliant creative excercise.
Ended up racing home because I had to be at bartending class tomorrow, only to find that it was resceduled for next week. Fmylife.
Net net: Forced march art= good. Aimless, technologyless life with Elias= good. I may go to Canada with him in a few weeks, which would be nice, but I don't want to miss the Shiva Rave and I don't want to keep chaging our plan. Even if the plan is no plan, let just do it already.

Why I don't sleep

It's 1:25. I was tired at 8:00, but managed to stave the urge to collapse off until I'd finished eating dinner with my mom, then I had a bath and by 10pm was in bed.
I tried to fall asleep. Really, I did. I have a doctors appointment at 10 am, and I'm going to have a busy weekend, so sleep is really a good idea. I had PT and walked a couple miles, plus the usual poi etc so I should be tired. I am tired.
But I can't sleep. I'm fidgity. I lie in bed and close my eyes and can't get comfortable. I get up, read my book, try again to sleep. No luck. I listen to meditation tapes, mere minutes in I'm literally twitching. I can't relax. My head is starting to hurt. Normally, I'd get out of bed, go downstairs, get a drink (I know it sounds crazy, but a coke would really help). Maybe do my belly dance or some yoga, see if I can get my body to relax. But that would wake my mom. So 3 1/2 hours after getting into bed, I am still in it, awake and *itchy* and increasingly concerned that the weekend will suck if I only sleep 7 hours (which is about the most I could get, even if I fall asleep right now.
F my life