Sometimes, it just all work. I don't know what else to say. I was tired and had no plan to paint, but I spent an hour on it. First I did what I'd been planning, that looked fine, then I added some more stuff, looked fine too. Then I didn't feel like stopping, even though the plan required this layer to dry before I added the next. So I added more, which was ok... and then I ruined it. I was very very upset, as I'd really liked the piece and invested several hours and quite a bit of materials on it. So I thought, fuck it, I should go to bed, and I'll cope with it later, but instead I kept adding and smushing and now, it is wonderful. So much acrylic and gel medium and magazines and tissue paper and cigarettes, and layers and colors and texture and I'm so happy. Ok so clearly then it is bed time, right, but no. I turn to get into bed and see my new bag of Dr Ph Martin Bombay India Inks... hmm... those might be interesting.... so I splattered some of those on top. I don't know how well those will dry over acrylic or how well they'll hold up under the next layer, but right now it looks amazing. But I can't be bothered for a camera hunt. Eventually, there will be pictures. I swear.
In other news, this is further proof I can only make art while depressed. Hmm... I wonder if having just finished my color theory hw made it better? Very precise cutting and measuring and gluing bares little relation to this piece, but I had already spent an hour making art, using that portion of my brain....
I'm planning an ink and watercolor piece of "real" me (actual appearance) and "shadow" me (how I think I should look in my head/would look in the matrix) reversed so the shadow is standing and the real me spreads along the floor. the problem in with the perspective and compensating for the distortion you normally have with shadows. Also, my poor realism skills.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Sunday, February 8, 2009
i'm so sane, its driving me crazy
no really
http://www.damninteresting.com/?p=864#more-864
on another note, after serious snowboarding adventures, i can report that:
Improvement has been made.
Everything hurts.
I still really need better gloves.
http://www.damninteresting.com/?p=864#more-864
on another note, after serious snowboarding adventures, i can report that:
Improvement has been made.
Everything hurts.
I still really need better gloves.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
I had a realization
After the stroke, the first few months were all about making it not matter- going back to everything that made me me, doing the things I used to do and doing them just as well.
But while a few of those things made me happy, many of them did not. I think I knew that before the stroke, which is why, upon coming to college, I changed much of the focus of my life (I continued to be deeply involved in a few things, but they were different, circus rather than politics for example).
Even those changes didn't solve the problem, but they did allow me to put it off for a while. Now, I realize that its still there.
Since the stroke, I've been uninterested, mostly just slogging through with the minimum possible amount of work to make it to graduation. One of the nice things this semester is that I'm actually interested in my classes, and not spending the last 1/2 staring at my watch thinking "hurry up and let me leave".
Today in behavioral Econ we did a thought experiment about discounting and wages where you got hired for about $40,000 a year. On the one hand, that sounds like nothing. Not enough to have a decent standard of living. But that's because I'm used to life in an NYC suburb. Most places, rent on an ok apartment is more like $600 a month than $2000 a month (even if you rent without a room mate), and food is about $350, so $40,000 a year works out to almost $3500 a month- enough to live on, certainly, and have some spending money.
Which gives me hope. It must be possible for me to get a decent job after graduation that will pay me enough to live on so that I can have some time to do what makes me happy: make art, do circus, watch movies, hang out with friends. And then I can figure out the next step towards a life where I love my work, have a support system, and enought money/time for leasure activities after that.
Which reminds me, oh god I have to talk to the CDO and start sending out my resume. now I'm depressed again. Graduation is both exciting and terrifying.
But while a few of those things made me happy, many of them did not. I think I knew that before the stroke, which is why, upon coming to college, I changed much of the focus of my life (I continued to be deeply involved in a few things, but they were different, circus rather than politics for example).
Even those changes didn't solve the problem, but they did allow me to put it off for a while. Now, I realize that its still there.
Since the stroke, I've been uninterested, mostly just slogging through with the minimum possible amount of work to make it to graduation. One of the nice things this semester is that I'm actually interested in my classes, and not spending the last 1/2 staring at my watch thinking "hurry up and let me leave".
Today in behavioral Econ we did a thought experiment about discounting and wages where you got hired for about $40,000 a year. On the one hand, that sounds like nothing. Not enough to have a decent standard of living. But that's because I'm used to life in an NYC suburb. Most places, rent on an ok apartment is more like $600 a month than $2000 a month (even if you rent without a room mate), and food is about $350, so $40,000 a year works out to almost $3500 a month- enough to live on, certainly, and have some spending money.
Which gives me hope. It must be possible for me to get a decent job after graduation that will pay me enough to live on so that I can have some time to do what makes me happy: make art, do circus, watch movies, hang out with friends. And then I can figure out the next step towards a life where I love my work, have a support system, and enought money/time for leasure activities after that.
Which reminds me, oh god I have to talk to the CDO and start sending out my resume. now I'm depressed again. Graduation is both exciting and terrifying.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Goofy and sore
Super busy weekend AHHH!
Friday- Thrift store (fail), race to monkeys, speed fire, fastest attempt to get 3 women drunk and dressed up ever (found Friedman), sound check, Shiva Rave! My set was ok... the 1st half kinda sucked, then I found my stride and got rocking, only to be told far too soon that it was Connor and Christopher's turn, so I should stop. Then we went back to my house for another drink, danced a bit (not enough), returned the speakers and went to the Acrop where I finally got dinner. It was good, not as good as the fall, but awesome none the less.
Saturday- Not enough sleep. Chilled with Friedman. Tried to repaint the Shiva black, but all the rollers were dead. VT football instead. Then Friedman and I got dinner. Fire, at which I was too cold and tired to spin. Also, I learned on Friday that I don't like spinning in deep snow. My toes are cold and my balance is off, and when I try to move I end up tripping/sliding so my flow gets ruined because I have to remain rooted on the ground. Then I went home, was amused by best of creigslist and passive agressive notes, and went to bed.
Today- up at 6 am for a Snowboard trip. Stacey is a really good teacher and I made lots of progress. ie I suck less now. Here is what I learned: 1) I must board goofy (right foot front) or t all goes to hell. 2) Toe turns, better heel turns, and how to do both intentionally. 3)How to stop (mostly) and how to get up without doing the stupid flip onto your belly like a whale bit. 4) How to ride the chair lift, often without falling over on the way off. 5) That the bit where you eat it -ie crash, sucks, but not as bad as expected. The first time I had a major fall, about an hour in, I "caught edge" - too much snow in front of the lip of the board, and you flip, in my case backwards and my head goes boing boing boing. Stacey was all "Are you ok?!" I gave her a thumbs up, lay there a second and then made it to the bottom of the run. She was very impressed. Apparently, she'd been thinking that either I'd be like 'Ouch. Done for the day' or I'd man up. I maned up. As long as nothings broken, I figure its like a horse. You lay there until you remember how to breathe, then you get up, get back on, and go again. Otherwise, by the time you're ready to try again, the fear will be much worse than the fall. 6) I have adrenaline. I like it. I was going down the run, feeling great, finally realized why this sport is awesome, then I had too much speed, not enough control, and literally flipped. I swear, if I'd put my hands down, I could've done a cartwheel. I flipped completely over myself. Anyway, after, I kind of wanted to do it again. I lived, and it was awesome. Before the stroke, I'd've been terrified, but now, well, its about having fun. And It didn't end badly, which means it was awesome. 7) Mom was right. The helmet is crucial. 8) I need better equipment. Ie snow pants with pockets and long enough to cover the boot tops, more waterproof gloves (preferably which don't let the snow in my wrists) and goggles. Definitely goggles.
Now I've come to work and done my reading for tomorrow. I need dinner, a hot shower and bed and lots of icy hot. Lots of icy hot. My feet, calves, neck and abs all always hurt post Shiva. Feet, back, hips, butt, calves, thighs, shoulders and neck got further abused today. Everything will be sore in the morning.
Friday- Thrift store (fail), race to monkeys, speed fire, fastest attempt to get 3 women drunk and dressed up ever (found Friedman), sound check, Shiva Rave! My set was ok... the 1st half kinda sucked, then I found my stride and got rocking, only to be told far too soon that it was Connor and Christopher's turn, so I should stop. Then we went back to my house for another drink, danced a bit (not enough), returned the speakers and went to the Acrop where I finally got dinner. It was good, not as good as the fall, but awesome none the less.
Saturday- Not enough sleep. Chilled with Friedman. Tried to repaint the Shiva black, but all the rollers were dead. VT football instead. Then Friedman and I got dinner. Fire, at which I was too cold and tired to spin. Also, I learned on Friday that I don't like spinning in deep snow. My toes are cold and my balance is off, and when I try to move I end up tripping/sliding so my flow gets ruined because I have to remain rooted on the ground. Then I went home, was amused by best of creigslist and passive agressive notes, and went to bed.
Today- up at 6 am for a Snowboard trip. Stacey is a really good teacher and I made lots of progress. ie I suck less now. Here is what I learned: 1) I must board goofy (right foot front) or t all goes to hell. 2) Toe turns, better heel turns, and how to do both intentionally. 3)How to stop (mostly) and how to get up without doing the stupid flip onto your belly like a whale bit. 4) How to ride the chair lift, often without falling over on the way off. 5) That the bit where you eat it -ie crash, sucks, but not as bad as expected. The first time I had a major fall, about an hour in, I "caught edge" - too much snow in front of the lip of the board, and you flip, in my case backwards and my head goes boing boing boing. Stacey was all "Are you ok?!" I gave her a thumbs up, lay there a second and then made it to the bottom of the run. She was very impressed. Apparently, she'd been thinking that either I'd be like 'Ouch. Done for the day' or I'd man up. I maned up. As long as nothings broken, I figure its like a horse. You lay there until you remember how to breathe, then you get up, get back on, and go again. Otherwise, by the time you're ready to try again, the fear will be much worse than the fall. 6) I have adrenaline. I like it. I was going down the run, feeling great, finally realized why this sport is awesome, then I had too much speed, not enough control, and literally flipped. I swear, if I'd put my hands down, I could've done a cartwheel. I flipped completely over myself. Anyway, after, I kind of wanted to do it again. I lived, and it was awesome. Before the stroke, I'd've been terrified, but now, well, its about having fun. And It didn't end badly, which means it was awesome. 7) Mom was right. The helmet is crucial. 8) I need better equipment. Ie snow pants with pockets and long enough to cover the boot tops, more waterproof gloves (preferably which don't let the snow in my wrists) and goggles. Definitely goggles.
Now I've come to work and done my reading for tomorrow. I need dinner, a hot shower and bed and lots of icy hot. Lots of icy hot. My feet, calves, neck and abs all always hurt post Shiva. Feet, back, hips, butt, calves, thighs, shoulders and neck got further abused today. Everything will be sore in the morning.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Back again
Getting back to school has been majorly busy
There has been all sorts of drama with my friends - break ups, fights, people moving, getting back from JYA, all sorts of nonsense. But mostly, its been good, and I'm glad to be with them for one last semester!
Monkeys are going well, we're about to embark on the Spring Fire show, which I'm running. It will be glorious. We're also doing the Wicked Winter fest- Charlie and the Condom Factory. Don't ask. Look, its an adult Ren faire. What do you want? Raunchy humor earns tips. We're poor.
I'm still working on the purse I've been knitting, although I've finished the part that will be sewn into the actual bag, now I'm just knitting the strap. Then lining and sewing, then DONE. Finally.
I decorated a notebook for Kate Tracy, and she thinks, and I agree, that I should sell them. Perhaps this can be a way for making some money after graduation.
OMFG the Shiva Rave is this weekend! I'm playing the 11pm slot! Everyone but me is tag-teaming, so I'm kinda paranoid. But, I have tons of music prepped and it should be awesome, even if said prep is eating my life. Now if only I knew what to wear... I'm such a girl.
Classes should be good. I'm taking Advanced beginning ballet, which is fine. I'm also taking Women in Antiquity, which has a metric butt-ton of reading, but seems interesting. Also, Barbra Olsen rocks. Then I have Color Theory, which is basically collage and playing with color, yay. And Behavioral Econ, which seems really cool, and is taught by Sean Flynn, who despite being slighty wierd (hey, it's Vassar), is awesome-sauce and really fun.
Graduation is coming way to soon and while I am ready to be done with the academic nonsense here, I'm not done with Monkeys and VT and my friends. Also, in the real world one needs a plan and income and a place to live, so I have to sort that out ASAP. I'm freaking out a little.
As if that weren't enough, I'm taking belly dance and yoga and going home for PT and working 8 hours a week at the ROC. My room is already a huge mess. And going to the gym 3 mornings a week, and trying to have a life and some downtime and make some art. Sleep what?
There has been all sorts of drama with my friends - break ups, fights, people moving, getting back from JYA, all sorts of nonsense. But mostly, its been good, and I'm glad to be with them for one last semester!
Monkeys are going well, we're about to embark on the Spring Fire show, which I'm running. It will be glorious. We're also doing the Wicked Winter fest- Charlie and the Condom Factory. Don't ask. Look, its an adult Ren faire. What do you want? Raunchy humor earns tips. We're poor.
I'm still working on the purse I've been knitting, although I've finished the part that will be sewn into the actual bag, now I'm just knitting the strap. Then lining and sewing, then DONE. Finally.
I decorated a notebook for Kate Tracy, and she thinks, and I agree, that I should sell them. Perhaps this can be a way for making some money after graduation.
OMFG the Shiva Rave is this weekend! I'm playing the 11pm slot! Everyone but me is tag-teaming, so I'm kinda paranoid. But, I have tons of music prepped and it should be awesome, even if said prep is eating my life. Now if only I knew what to wear... I'm such a girl.
Classes should be good. I'm taking Advanced beginning ballet, which is fine. I'm also taking Women in Antiquity, which has a metric butt-ton of reading, but seems interesting. Also, Barbra Olsen rocks. Then I have Color Theory, which is basically collage and playing with color, yay. And Behavioral Econ, which seems really cool, and is taught by Sean Flynn, who despite being slighty wierd (hey, it's Vassar), is awesome-sauce and really fun.
Graduation is coming way to soon and while I am ready to be done with the academic nonsense here, I'm not done with Monkeys and VT and my friends. Also, in the real world one needs a plan and income and a place to live, so I have to sort that out ASAP. I'm freaking out a little.
As if that weren't enough, I'm taking belly dance and yoga and going home for PT and working 8 hours a week at the ROC. My room is already a huge mess. And going to the gym 3 mornings a week, and trying to have a life and some downtime and make some art. Sleep what?
Monday, January 5, 2009
I've been distressingly unproductive this break, which is why I haven't posted. I've slept, hung out with friends, tried to snowboard (ouch) and lazed about. Also, fought with my mom.
Yesterday, Robin, Jon, Allie, Friedman and I went to MoMA- I am super inspired right now.
We saw: a huge Miro exhibit, which the boys hated and after a while, I started to be rather sick of. Some of his work is really interesting, but mostly, I just find it too minimal, neither pretty nor especially interesting. And there was just too much of it, about 8 rooms.
Then we saw an equally large Marlene Dumas exhibit, which I really liked, even if they thought it was creepy. Best parts: use of shadow and color, painting of a drowning woman (couldn't find my notebook to write down the name, or the amusing quotes outside the exhibit) which I want to hang opposite a bathtub, and the room with about a hundred ink paintings -quick sketches, really- of faces, which we walked into, and Friedman goes "This is creepy" and turns around and walks back into the room we'd dubbed the porn room. Also, the erotic babies were massively improved by Friedman noticing how much one looked like McCain.
This was one of the quotes: "My best works are erotic displays of mental confusions.. with intrusions of irrelevant information." ... me likey.
Then we saw the permanent collection. As always, water lilies was beautiful. I ogled some Pollack and decided to make a piece with cigarette butts in it and glitter. We all enjoyed the Jasper Johns, and I also have a plan for a Clyford Still inspired piece.
Then Friedman and I went to the Van Gogh at Night exhibit. Having seen the major exhibit at the Met a couple of years ago, this was a disappointment, because I'd seen all the pieces, and it was quite small- 4 little rooms- and mostly paintings, not as much of the ink work I love. But really, its hard to go wrong with Van Gogh, and the concept of looking only at his night work was cool. His use of light to represent dark is very individual, and while I don't love it the same way I love his line work, it was interesting to think about. Plus there were quite a few early works, so you really saw him evolving as an artist. Maybe I'll do some night work of my own, and I was planning to experiment with ink and line on my new vellum anyway.
I've started knitting a hat, although I'm not quite done with the bag yet. I'm using a much finer (worsted weight) yarn, in a striated purple-green mix. Also, I've learned to purl.
I'm going to make art, rather than talk about it now.
Yesterday, Robin, Jon, Allie, Friedman and I went to MoMA- I am super inspired right now.
We saw: a huge Miro exhibit, which the boys hated and after a while, I started to be rather sick of. Some of his work is really interesting, but mostly, I just find it too minimal, neither pretty nor especially interesting. And there was just too much of it, about 8 rooms.
Then we saw an equally large Marlene Dumas exhibit, which I really liked, even if they thought it was creepy. Best parts: use of shadow and color, painting of a drowning woman (couldn't find my notebook to write down the name, or the amusing quotes outside the exhibit) which I want to hang opposite a bathtub, and the room with about a hundred ink paintings -quick sketches, really- of faces, which we walked into, and Friedman goes "This is creepy" and turns around and walks back into the room we'd dubbed the porn room. Also, the erotic babies were massively improved by Friedman noticing how much one looked like McCain.
This was one of the quotes: "My best works are erotic displays of mental confusions.. with intrusions of irrelevant information." ... me likey.
Then we saw the permanent collection. As always, water lilies was beautiful. I ogled some Pollack and decided to make a piece with cigarette butts in it and glitter. We all enjoyed the Jasper Johns, and I also have a plan for a Clyford Still inspired piece.
Then Friedman and I went to the Van Gogh at Night exhibit. Having seen the major exhibit at the Met a couple of years ago, this was a disappointment, because I'd seen all the pieces, and it was quite small- 4 little rooms- and mostly paintings, not as much of the ink work I love. But really, its hard to go wrong with Van Gogh, and the concept of looking only at his night work was cool. His use of light to represent dark is very individual, and while I don't love it the same way I love his line work, it was interesting to think about. Plus there were quite a few early works, so you really saw him evolving as an artist. Maybe I'll do some night work of my own, and I was planning to experiment with ink and line on my new vellum anyway.
I've started knitting a hat, although I'm not quite done with the bag yet. I'm using a much finer (worsted weight) yarn, in a striated purple-green mix. Also, I've learned to purl.
I'm going to make art, rather than talk about it now.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
SNOW
Yay!
No matter how old I get, or how much I hate the cold and wet, and know that we have months of sucky weather coming where I'll hate everything about winter, there is just something about the first snow. Especially since I didn't know it was out there, I just walked out in my slippers, coat and hat, and SNOW!
Rather than ending the world, this has massively improved it. Or that may be that I've finished all my papers, only need to print this and turn it in, and then study for and take one last final. Then BREAK!
I went to the monkey room to check the fuel situation and fell down the TA stairs. The snow is hiding ice. My butt hurts.
Tonight is for walking, smoking, warming my fingers on my stomach and watching puffs of smoke dissipate. The snow and cloves alternate delicious smells and tastes. Warm and sweet vs cold and clean.
Pay my respects to grace and virtue
Send my condolences to good
Give my regards to soul and romance,
They always did the best they could
And so long to devotion
You taught me everything I know
Wave goodbye
Wish me well..
You've got to let me go
Are we human?
Or are we dancer?
My sign is vital
My hands are cold
And I'm on my knees
Looking for the answer
Are we human?
Or are we dancer?
Will your system be alright
When you dream of home tonight?
There is no message we're receiving
Let me know is your heart still beating
Are we human?
Or are we dancer?
My sign is vital
My hands are cold
And I'm on my knees
Looking for the answer
I've become pretty completely nocturnal.
Off to make art. Doodles and pills, now snow themed.
Oh, and I have a chocolate bomb from babycakes to eat. Moose! *insert hands on either side of head*
No matter how old I get, or how much I hate the cold and wet, and know that we have months of sucky weather coming where I'll hate everything about winter, there is just something about the first snow. Especially since I didn't know it was out there, I just walked out in my slippers, coat and hat, and SNOW!
Rather than ending the world, this has massively improved it. Or that may be that I've finished all my papers, only need to print this and turn it in, and then study for and take one last final. Then BREAK!
I went to the monkey room to check the fuel situation and fell down the TA stairs. The snow is hiding ice. My butt hurts.
Tonight is for walking, smoking, warming my fingers on my stomach and watching puffs of smoke dissipate. The snow and cloves alternate delicious smells and tastes. Warm and sweet vs cold and clean.
Pay my respects to grace and virtue
Send my condolences to good
Give my regards to soul and romance,
They always did the best they could
And so long to devotion
You taught me everything I know
Wave goodbye
Wish me well..
You've got to let me go
Are we human?
Or are we dancer?
My sign is vital
My hands are cold
And I'm on my knees
Looking for the answer
Are we human?
Or are we dancer?
Will your system be alright
When you dream of home tonight?
There is no message we're receiving
Let me know is your heart still beating
Are we human?
Or are we dancer?
My sign is vital
My hands are cold
And I'm on my knees
Looking for the answer
I've become pretty completely nocturnal.
Off to make art. Doodles and pills, now snow themed.
Oh, and I have a chocolate bomb from babycakes to eat. Moose! *insert hands on either side of head*
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