Over the last week, there has been far, far too much drama in my life. And not the kind with tech crews and auditions. And I have run out of patience for it. In the next day or so, I'll be sending out the following email to, well, more or less everyone. I realize this may make things worse, but I refuse to keep pretending everything is ok, and hopefully, direct acknowledgment of the issues may make things better. The email:
Apparently, people have a lot of issues with me. I'm running out of time/energy/stationary to send everyone personalized engraved invitations to talk to me about it, so this is a general note to everyone:
1) I know I can be a bitch. It is usually intended kindly, but much of it can be based in a desire to make other people confront stuff they aren't ready for and to move in the direction of my idea of being a better person. This may be unreasonable, and if so, I apologize.
2) One of the things that apparently people have issues with is me calling other people on their BS, which they think is unfair. I don't think there is much I can do about this, I am going to call people out and talk to them about it if I disagree with them. I work stuff out by talking about it, both to figure out what I'm thinking and what I want, and to actually resolve issues. And I don't say things when you aren't around that I don't say to your face, because I think it's tacky. If I call you on stuff, it doesn't mean I don't like you, or that I am a hypocrite. If you think something I'm doing or saying is BS, please, please, call me on it.
3) If I am offending you personally, please let me know when I am saying something that bothers you. I want to stop that. But I don't know if when I'm making a joke, you say nothing because it doesn't bother you, or because you are afraid to call me on it. If you tell me, I can stop saying whatever it was. Otherwise I don't know that it is a problem.
In summation, it is easier to just deal with it when issues come up. Please, if you have problems, lets just sort it out now rather than waiting until it piles up any further. There isn't enough time before graduation (or even in my life) for this nonsense. I don't like passive-aggressive BS where everyone pretends its ok, but things are fucked up. I realize that some of you might be comfortable with that, and it might be selfish for me to try to move it to direct resolution, because I might be more comfortable with that than other people. But I legitimately believe that is the best and possibly only way to solve things. Feel free to try to convince me otherwise. I have issues, but fragility is not one of them. I will not break if you tell be I'm being loud and annoying, or that you don't like when I do x other thing.
Hugs and kisses,
Felicia
PS Commencement is Wednesday, which means that Freshmen officially become Sophmores etc. Thus, in 3 days, the gold star system will change as follows: you may earn gold stars by doing things which 1) are excellent and 2) you might not normally do. Note: 1 is crucial. You might not normally kill someone, but doing so will not earn you a star. Probably. I will try to carry the stars around, so when you earn one, you can recieve it right away.
/> email
Other than dealing with drama, I am mostly trying to deal with mountains of schoolwork. This week: 2 presentations. Next week: a paper, a portfolio, and a final, also DJing the Farm Rave. Week after that: a paper and a final. Week after that, graduation, and collapse. Also, I must clean my room, pack etc before graduation.
Not to mention the large chunks of my life that are being eaten by the indoor Tarot Card monkey show.
I'm also trying to make more art. Friday I started a painting I've been planning for a while, and a necklace I've been planning longer (buttons!). I also started a new art journal.
Also, I love the heat, but this is getting absurd. 93 degrees on Tuesday? Really? I'm running out of clothes that are decent enough to wear in public, and cool enough not to melt.
Leaving Ferry after the Yoshitoshi show Friday night, I had the distinct realization of what Matt Wise must feel like all the time. I am not at all a sweaty person, but 2 1/2 hours of hardcore dancing in 85 degree heat makes you a sweaty person. Ew.
Showing posts with label graduation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label graduation. Show all posts
Monday, April 27, 2009
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
I had a realization
After the stroke, the first few months were all about making it not matter- going back to everything that made me me, doing the things I used to do and doing them just as well.
But while a few of those things made me happy, many of them did not. I think I knew that before the stroke, which is why, upon coming to college, I changed much of the focus of my life (I continued to be deeply involved in a few things, but they were different, circus rather than politics for example).
Even those changes didn't solve the problem, but they did allow me to put it off for a while. Now, I realize that its still there.
Since the stroke, I've been uninterested, mostly just slogging through with the minimum possible amount of work to make it to graduation. One of the nice things this semester is that I'm actually interested in my classes, and not spending the last 1/2 staring at my watch thinking "hurry up and let me leave".
Today in behavioral Econ we did a thought experiment about discounting and wages where you got hired for about $40,000 a year. On the one hand, that sounds like nothing. Not enough to have a decent standard of living. But that's because I'm used to life in an NYC suburb. Most places, rent on an ok apartment is more like $600 a month than $2000 a month (even if you rent without a room mate), and food is about $350, so $40,000 a year works out to almost $3500 a month- enough to live on, certainly, and have some spending money.
Which gives me hope. It must be possible for me to get a decent job after graduation that will pay me enough to live on so that I can have some time to do what makes me happy: make art, do circus, watch movies, hang out with friends. And then I can figure out the next step towards a life where I love my work, have a support system, and enought money/time for leasure activities after that.
Which reminds me, oh god I have to talk to the CDO and start sending out my resume. now I'm depressed again. Graduation is both exciting and terrifying.
But while a few of those things made me happy, many of them did not. I think I knew that before the stroke, which is why, upon coming to college, I changed much of the focus of my life (I continued to be deeply involved in a few things, but they were different, circus rather than politics for example).
Even those changes didn't solve the problem, but they did allow me to put it off for a while. Now, I realize that its still there.
Since the stroke, I've been uninterested, mostly just slogging through with the minimum possible amount of work to make it to graduation. One of the nice things this semester is that I'm actually interested in my classes, and not spending the last 1/2 staring at my watch thinking "hurry up and let me leave".
Today in behavioral Econ we did a thought experiment about discounting and wages where you got hired for about $40,000 a year. On the one hand, that sounds like nothing. Not enough to have a decent standard of living. But that's because I'm used to life in an NYC suburb. Most places, rent on an ok apartment is more like $600 a month than $2000 a month (even if you rent without a room mate), and food is about $350, so $40,000 a year works out to almost $3500 a month- enough to live on, certainly, and have some spending money.
Which gives me hope. It must be possible for me to get a decent job after graduation that will pay me enough to live on so that I can have some time to do what makes me happy: make art, do circus, watch movies, hang out with friends. And then I can figure out the next step towards a life where I love my work, have a support system, and enought money/time for leasure activities after that.
Which reminds me, oh god I have to talk to the CDO and start sending out my resume. now I'm depressed again. Graduation is both exciting and terrifying.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Back again
Getting back to school has been majorly busy
There has been all sorts of drama with my friends - break ups, fights, people moving, getting back from JYA, all sorts of nonsense. But mostly, its been good, and I'm glad to be with them for one last semester!
Monkeys are going well, we're about to embark on the Spring Fire show, which I'm running. It will be glorious. We're also doing the Wicked Winter fest- Charlie and the Condom Factory. Don't ask. Look, its an adult Ren faire. What do you want? Raunchy humor earns tips. We're poor.
I'm still working on the purse I've been knitting, although I've finished the part that will be sewn into the actual bag, now I'm just knitting the strap. Then lining and sewing, then DONE. Finally.
I decorated a notebook for Kate Tracy, and she thinks, and I agree, that I should sell them. Perhaps this can be a way for making some money after graduation.
OMFG the Shiva Rave is this weekend! I'm playing the 11pm slot! Everyone but me is tag-teaming, so I'm kinda paranoid. But, I have tons of music prepped and it should be awesome, even if said prep is eating my life. Now if only I knew what to wear... I'm such a girl.
Classes should be good. I'm taking Advanced beginning ballet, which is fine. I'm also taking Women in Antiquity, which has a metric butt-ton of reading, but seems interesting. Also, Barbra Olsen rocks. Then I have Color Theory, which is basically collage and playing with color, yay. And Behavioral Econ, which seems really cool, and is taught by Sean Flynn, who despite being slighty wierd (hey, it's Vassar), is awesome-sauce and really fun.
Graduation is coming way to soon and while I am ready to be done with the academic nonsense here, I'm not done with Monkeys and VT and my friends. Also, in the real world one needs a plan and income and a place to live, so I have to sort that out ASAP. I'm freaking out a little.
As if that weren't enough, I'm taking belly dance and yoga and going home for PT and working 8 hours a week at the ROC. My room is already a huge mess. And going to the gym 3 mornings a week, and trying to have a life and some downtime and make some art. Sleep what?
There has been all sorts of drama with my friends - break ups, fights, people moving, getting back from JYA, all sorts of nonsense. But mostly, its been good, and I'm glad to be with them for one last semester!
Monkeys are going well, we're about to embark on the Spring Fire show, which I'm running. It will be glorious. We're also doing the Wicked Winter fest- Charlie and the Condom Factory. Don't ask. Look, its an adult Ren faire. What do you want? Raunchy humor earns tips. We're poor.
I'm still working on the purse I've been knitting, although I've finished the part that will be sewn into the actual bag, now I'm just knitting the strap. Then lining and sewing, then DONE. Finally.
I decorated a notebook for Kate Tracy, and she thinks, and I agree, that I should sell them. Perhaps this can be a way for making some money after graduation.
OMFG the Shiva Rave is this weekend! I'm playing the 11pm slot! Everyone but me is tag-teaming, so I'm kinda paranoid. But, I have tons of music prepped and it should be awesome, even if said prep is eating my life. Now if only I knew what to wear... I'm such a girl.
Classes should be good. I'm taking Advanced beginning ballet, which is fine. I'm also taking Women in Antiquity, which has a metric butt-ton of reading, but seems interesting. Also, Barbra Olsen rocks. Then I have Color Theory, which is basically collage and playing with color, yay. And Behavioral Econ, which seems really cool, and is taught by Sean Flynn, who despite being slighty wierd (hey, it's Vassar), is awesome-sauce and really fun.
Graduation is coming way to soon and while I am ready to be done with the academic nonsense here, I'm not done with Monkeys and VT and my friends. Also, in the real world one needs a plan and income and a place to live, so I have to sort that out ASAP. I'm freaking out a little.
As if that weren't enough, I'm taking belly dance and yoga and going home for PT and working 8 hours a week at the ROC. My room is already a huge mess. And going to the gym 3 mornings a week, and trying to have a life and some downtime and make some art. Sleep what?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)