Back again

Getting back to school has been majorly busy
There has been all sorts of drama with my friends - break ups, fights, people moving, getting back from JYA, all sorts of nonsense. But mostly, its been good, and I'm glad to be with them for one last semester!
Monkeys are going well, we're about to embark on the Spring Fire show, which I'm running. It will be glorious. We're also doing the Wicked Winter fest- Charlie and the Condom Factory. Don't ask. Look, its an adult Ren faire. What do you want? Raunchy humor earns tips. We're poor.
I'm still working on the purse I've been knitting, although I've finished the part that will be sewn into the actual bag, now I'm just knitting the strap. Then lining and sewing, then DONE. Finally.
I decorated a notebook for Kate Tracy, and she thinks, and I agree, that I should sell them. Perhaps this can be a way for making some money after graduation.
OMFG the Shiva Rave is this weekend! I'm playing the 11pm slot! Everyone but me is tag-teaming, so I'm kinda paranoid. But, I have tons of music prepped and it should be awesome, even if said prep is eating my life. Now if only I knew what to wear... I'm such a girl.
Classes should be good. I'm taking Advanced beginning ballet, which is fine. I'm also taking Women in Antiquity, which has a metric butt-ton of reading, but seems interesting. Also, Barbra Olsen rocks. Then I have Color Theory, which is basically collage and playing with color, yay. And Behavioral Econ, which seems really cool, and is taught by Sean Flynn, who despite being slighty wierd (hey, it's Vassar), is awesome-sauce and really fun.
Graduation is coming way to soon and while I am ready to be done with the academic nonsense here, I'm not done with Monkeys and VT and my friends. Also, in the real world one needs a plan and income and a place to live, so I have to sort that out ASAP. I'm freaking out a little.
As if that weren't enough, I'm taking belly dance and yoga and going home for PT and working 8 hours a week at the ROC. My room is already a huge mess. And going to the gym 3 mornings a week, and trying to have a life and some downtime and make some art. Sleep what?

I've been distressingly unproductive this break, which is why I haven't posted. I've slept, hung out with friends, tried to snowboard (ouch) and lazed about. Also, fought with my mom.

Yesterday, Robin, Jon, Allie, Friedman and I went to MoMA- I am super inspired right now.
We saw: a huge Miro exhibit, which the boys hated and after a while, I started to be rather sick of. Some of his work is really interesting, but mostly, I just find it too minimal, neither pretty nor especially interesting. And there was just too much of it, about 8 rooms.
Then we saw an equally large Marlene Dumas exhibit, which I really liked, even if they thought it was creepy. Best parts: use of shadow and color, painting of a drowning woman (couldn't find my notebook to write down the name, or the amusing quotes outside the exhibit) which I want to hang opposite a bathtub, and the room with about a hundred ink paintings -quick sketches, really- of faces, which we walked into, and Friedman goes "This is creepy" and turns around and walks back into the room we'd dubbed the porn room. Also, the erotic babies were massively improved by Friedman noticing how much one looked like McCain.
This was one of the quotes: "My best works are erotic displays of mental confusions.. with intrusions of irrelevant information." ... me likey.
Then we saw the permanent collection. As always, water lilies was beautiful. I ogled some Pollack and decided to make a piece with cigarette butts in it and glitter. We all enjoyed the Jasper Johns, and I also have a plan for a Clyford Still inspired piece.
Then Friedman and I went to the Van Gogh at Night exhibit. Having seen the major exhibit at the Met a couple of years ago, this was a disappointment, because I'd seen all the pieces, and it was quite small- 4 little rooms- and mostly paintings, not as much of the ink work I love. But really, its hard to go wrong with Van Gogh, and the concept of looking only at his night work was cool. His use of light to represent dark is very individual, and while I don't love it the same way I love his line work, it was interesting to think about. Plus there were quite a few early works, so you really saw him evolving as an artist. Maybe I'll do some night work of my own, and I was planning to experiment with ink and line on my new vellum anyway.

I've started knitting a hat, although I'm not quite done with the bag yet. I'm using a much finer (worsted weight) yarn, in a striated purple-green mix. Also, I've learned to purl.

I'm going to make art, rather than talk about it now.

SNOW

Yay!
No matter how old I get, or how much I hate the cold and wet, and know that we have months of sucky weather coming where I'll hate everything about winter, there is just something about the first snow. Especially since I didn't know it was out there, I just walked out in my slippers, coat and hat, and SNOW!
Rather than ending the world, this has massively improved it. Or that may be that I've finished all my papers, only need to print this and turn it in, and then study for and take one last final. Then BREAK!
I went to the monkey room to check the fuel situation and fell down the TA stairs. The snow is hiding ice. My butt hurts.
Tonight is for walking, smoking, warming my fingers on my stomach and watching puffs of smoke dissipate. The snow and cloves alternate delicious smells and tastes. Warm and sweet vs cold and clean.

Pay my respects to grace and virtue
Send my condolences to good
Give my regards to soul and romance,
They always did the best they could
And so long to devotion
You taught me everything I know
Wave goodbye
Wish me well..
You've got to let me go

Are we human?
Or are we dancer?
My sign is vital
My hands are cold
And I'm on my knees
Looking for the answer
Are we human?
Or are we dancer?

Will your system be alright
When you dream of home tonight?
There is no message we're receiving
Let me know is your heart still beating

Are we human?
Or are we dancer?
My sign is vital
My hands are cold
And I'm on my knees
Looking for the answer

I've become pretty completely nocturnal.
Off to make art. Doodles and pills, now snow themed.
Oh, and I have a chocolate bomb from babycakes to eat. Moose! *insert hands on either side of head*

Something is not right

I don't know where exactly, what exactly, when exactly, but something horrible is coming. Something tremendous and unstoppable, and maybe it has come already and this is all just fake.
The world is completely unreal and I think I am losing my mind. My grasp on reality. Something. Or maybe I'm blowing it all out of proportion. I'm not sure. What is sanity anyway?
Time has been moving oddly the last few days.
I haven't been eating.
I've been having odd and somehow crucially important dreams, but I can't remember them.
At first i thought all these things were the Vicoen, but the Vicoden is gone and they remain.
Very little makes sense: the taste of my first coke in over a week, Neal Gaiman talking about Death and the Apocolypse, the way the smoke disappears after you exhale.
I am empty, reflecting only what's around me, not thinking about it or realizing I'm doing it, just pushing this influence and that together, binding with scotch tape and spit, and hoping it'll fool everyone, hold together long enough.
It does. No one else seems to notice how wrong everything is.
I want it to snow. Maybe thats it, maybe the terrible thing is coming with the snow.
I don't know why I get up, get dressed, do the things I am supposed to do, say the things I am supposed to say. I guess I don't know what else to do.
I lie by omission and by word and by deed. And no one notices. Or if they do, they act like they don't. Never does someone call me on it. Ask if I'm ok. Notice how good I am at simultaneously talking nonstop, TMI, and yet, saying nothing. Certainly nothing important.
Only now I have no desire to have to try to maintain that. I lapse more and more into silence.And if they ask now, I won't believe they noticed or cared, just that they read this.
In the silence, I don't want to think, I consciously avoid it.
I can't cry.
The world is ending.

In my eyes eyes eyes eyes

So, Friday I got up, put in my contacts, lived my life. After the RHPS, I went to the Everready with some people. My right contact started bugging me, but not too much. I got home around 5 and it didn't want to come out. I finally got it out, but my eye still hurt. I figured I'd gotten a piece of glitter or something in it, and tried to wash it out. No dice. Then I tried to sleep. Too much pain for sleep. And it kept getting worse. Around 6:30am Saturday I gave in and woke Sasha, we went to Baldwin, then to the ER. The dr didn't see anything. He flipped my eyelid inside out, which made it feel a little better, so I came home and slept a few hours. But the pain returned, and got worse, and my vision got cloudy and blurry, and I was sitting on my floor, crying hysterically, and couldn't move or talk it hurt so much. By far the most pain I've ever felt. So Sasha and I went back to the ER, where the Dr said I had contact lense cartatis.... ie my contact got stuck to my cornea, who knows why, and irritated it, and now its all inflamed and angry, so he gave me eye drops and a vicoden prescription. So 3 agonizing trips into pharmacies later we found one that was open, and I got tissues and Vicoden. I called back my paniced mother to reaffirm that she didn't need to come get me and went to sleep. 4 hours later, the vicoden wore off, I woke up, left my mom a scared little girl message "Mommy, my eye hurts, and I don't feel good. I want you to come get me. I want to go home." Then more vicoden and back to bed. Rinse and repeat every 4 hours.
Mom picked me up at 9:30am. I slept in the car, got into her bed (which, since I was little, has been the location for sick children) and went back to sleep. This morning I saw the eye doctor, who confirmed what the ER doctor said. The pain and blurryness are much better, but I probably wont be totally well until Thursday or so. If in the last 72 hours I was a giant bitch to you, I appologize pain makes you a nasty person and vicoden puts you in that not quite awake no filter place. House has his reasons. I slept most of Saturday here, all of saturday night here, all of sunday home, all of sunday night home. and then I got back ehre this afetrnoon and napped, and now, back to sleep.
Sleep is the only thing that doesnt hurt. Movement, light, and focusing (ie the nessecary things for work) are the most painful. I can only function for about 15 min at a time. Ow. And I've apparently used that up now. More eyedrops.
PS stupid fucking Christopher, I've had "in my eyes" stuck in my head since this started which is both ironic and infuriating.

Sleep

Sleep is the most amazing thing. You don't have to do anything else while you sleep. I want to sleep but I have so much to do... and I'm not sleepy. I want to sit up all night, drawing and painting. But Ballet is at 10:30, and I can't be any more sleep deprived than I already am. I'm not sleepy though. Just tired. I don't even really like to sleep, just curl up in that half asleep state where you don't have to get up yet and nothing matters forever. You can't have that before you go to sleep. That drifting, magical place where you have brilliant bursts of inspiration, which you need to write or draw immediately, but can't be bothered to get up, find pen/paper, turn on the light. Its so good, I'll remember it in 15 minutes when I get up. But you never do. Hours later, there's a ghost of it in a feeling you have for a second, but you can never quite grasp it. Usually I sleep either because I am exhausted and fall asleep right away or because I have stuff to do tomorrow, I can't be tired but I can't fall asleep and I get increasingly concerned about how late it is and how little sleep I'm going to get and how tired I'll be... and getting worked up about that can't be helping me fall asleep either.
I have no energy or interest. I have to go to class tomorrow, because I can't afford to miss more ballet, and there is a midterm in Public Finance. Yuck. I haven't studied at all. I don't really care, it doesn't matter. I don't want to ever do anything productive or social ever again. Sasha and Adin are coming for Rocky this weekend, and I'm hosting the cast party as well. Grumble. My glasses just fell behind the bed. Fuck. I'm not so much depressed as apathetic and antisocial. Which means I'm depressed. I should go to bed.
I feel bad because I meant to use this blog for talking about circus, art, recovery, deep thoughts, not just emo whining. In fact, not at all emo whining. I apologize to anyone who reads it, because you shouldn't have to put up with this. I assume you mostly don't, that no one is reading this and that it is out there but ignored. Which, depressingly enough, is quite apt.
I'm miserable and lonely. I'm going to retrive my glasses, finish my beer, set my alarm, and snuggle my teddy bear til I fall asleep.

No Productivity Here

RISD was really good. And exhausting. I have no pictures because I am an idiot and my camera told me very quickly that it had no more memory, which, like an idiot, I believed, because I hadn't emptied the memory card in ages, but no. It had partially ejected the memory card when I took the battery out to recharge it and it was recording to internal memory, and now I can't get them out. Oh well. If you want to see my awesome costume (Stacey, Kate and Sophie's also) check facebook. Virgina put up nice pictures. There was not enough sleep involved.
RHPS went well too. I did not cut my feet. We devirginized like 15 froshmonkeys. I got a cup of water down my shirt. Unfortunately, my CD skipped a whole bunch so next weekend: cables and we'll play from my ipod. Yes.
Today, I had a Jane-a-thon. Watched Jane Eyre and Becoming Jane, both depressing and not especially fabulous, merely ok. Also, I've been painting and such like. I finished the painting I started over break, for the online folk-art class I'm taking. I liked working on wood, rather than canvas, but there is no where to buy just planks around here, so I had to use obscenely expensive pre-made wood thingies, so I'm back to canvas for most stuff probably for a while. I'm pretty happy with the painting overall.

I also started what was going to be an unspecified collage background. However, it was one of those things where the papers just spoke to me, and I suddenly felt the need to skribble with crayons, then add water-oil pastels, smudge them everywhere and it just sort of all happened.
I have a really good feeling about it. I've been seriously inspired by these doodles http://charmagnecoe.com/ and I think that in that vein I'll be putting an ink-watercolor doodle into the center. Possible a flying/back-bending lady, possibly something completely different. I'll do some sketches this week and we'll see what happens.
Adin and Sasha are coming for Rocky this weekend, so it will be fun, but not restful or productive. I've agreed to have the cast party in my house so, it will be crazy.
Plus, a dunp of art from the last couple weeks. A painting. Two art journal spreads (4 pages). And my knitting. Still madly in love with this yarn. Started the second skein a few weeks ago, so I'm more than half done. With any luck, I'll have a purse by break and can start working on something new while I'm at home. Maybe I'll make a trip into the city for a pattern and some redonkulous yarn and make something more challenging than a rectangle. A hat maybe.