I've been feeling very weird since last night. Sort of depressed and isolated. I guess it would be weird if I wasn't depressed, but I feel all this external pressure to pretend, to be social and productive and happy, but all I want to do is lock myself in my room, and paint and sleep. I had an idea for a painting, plus I figured out what I want to do on the one I have in progress right now, but I don't even have time to clean my room enough to find my desk, much less to do any art on said desk. I feel so lousy, but I can't give in, much as I might want to. One of my friends said something the other day about not believing in mental illness. I disagree, but I get where he was coming from. I am incredibly depressed, and it is both physically and mentally a huge struggle to do anything. But the fact is, I know that I will keep doing all I need to do because that part of me is just stronger. I'm not sure how much longer it will be though, and that scares me because then I'll become my father and become an unproductive hermit. I keep telling myself, its only a week. 3 more papers and a final. you can do this. There isn't really any other choice. And when people ask me, I keep saying that I'm fine, that its all under control. If I say it enough, convince enough other people, it'll be true. I'm fine. I'm going to nap for an hour and then do 3 hours of work, an then go to my meeting.

Conversations with God

This weekend, there is a play called Conversations with God, a series of mono- and dio-logs people wrote. If I wrote a conversation with God, it would go something like this.
"I don't believe in you. Yeah, I know there is a House discussion about the impossibility of being mad at and not believing in at the same time, and its true. but i don't believe in a personified single infinite power watching people. deism (clockmaker), or a cosmic force, maybe. But God, as such, no. But I am mad at you. There is no one else to be mad at. Myself a bit. The stupidity of people in general.
But seriously, Why? What exactly did I do? Or not do, as the case may be? I do all the things expected of me and many more besides. I try to be nice, to make everyone happy. I try to be honest. Neither of those is an intrinsic trait, but I am really trying to be a good person. Is it really too much to expect one small break somewhere. I want lots of things, could I please have at least one of them? So many of the people I know have all of them. What exactly did I do in a previous life to deserve this? must have been freaking terrible, and I apologize.
I am committed and organized and friendly, and yet 2 fucking votes? Why does no one understand the amount of time and effort I dedicate? What do I have to do for a tiny bit of recognition?
I try to take care of my health, see doctors, follow their instructions, but wait, no, your life is going too well, have a stroke. It fucks up every aspect of my life, physical, emotional and mental; I fight to recover to get better as much as possible, but again, no, here, have some serious depression.
So basically, lets look at all the things I could use for support - Family. Mom, Grandma and Grandpa can't understand the depression or my changed focus. Mom is happy I'm not grand monkey. Mike doesn't care, he loves me but he's useless. D is a jerk, Dad is absent. Friends. Sasha, Adin and Matt are graduating. Jacquie is always busy with church and Uganda, Ashlyn's in France. School. I have tons of work, but I don't care about it, and its really difficult to do because of the stroke. Activities. The Monkeys are obviously not going to support me, I'm at a skill impasse and we have no upcoming shows to focus on. I have no time for art. And thats all there is in my life.
Basically, I keep trying to get up, but I just end up getting kicked over and over.
If i just lie here on the floor for a while, will someone show up to lend a hand, or will the kicker get bored and wander off?
I doubt it, with my luck, I'll just get trampled by a stampede or something.
I really don't think I deserve this, would it really be the end of the world o let me have a boyfriend or some functional neural paths or a body that didn't hurt or coordination or rhythm or the will to stop biting my nails or to lose weight or some self-confidence or could I just be happy with how my life is, appreciate the good stuff and stop dwelling on the bad shit?
Why exactly would that be so hard?
What the fuck should I be doing differently? Or could I at least believe in you enough to think there was a cosmic reason why I should be fucked up in about 15 ways and be so miserable all the time, that it would have some important part in a plan for the world. But I don't, so I'm talking to myself, whining about my problems, which isn't going to solve them.
Seriously, God. One little break, maybe?
I'm running out of energy. I can't keep doing this. I can't drag myself out of bed and face this every day. I don't know what you want from me. I don't know how to be happy. I don't know anything worth knowing, and I certainly don't know how to find out.
I'm mad as hell, and I'm not gonna take it anymore."
Sorry about the lengthy rant, I'm just really not in a good place, and I have to do a ton of research now.

across the universe

just saw across the universe and oh my god... if you haven't seen it, you must. right away. if you have seen it, perhaps you can help me. I have no idea how i am feeling right now. so intense. both fabulous and terrible. Did other people have this or is it just me? I know Jove was insistent that I see it, but he didn't say why. As an artist it was both visually and emotionally almost to intense to endure. I have been feeling really weird the last week or so to begin with, the movie just compounded and shifted it. I've been alternating between almost manic and massively depressed in seconds.
On Monday night I had a breakdown, and a big fight with my mom because I have no motivation to do my schoolwork, and when i think about it, about "productive" shit I need to do, all i want to do is crawl into bed and sleep for eternity. But she thinks it's important and that i need to just suck it up and do my damn work. but i think this is so far from what i am supposed to do and such a useless waste of my time. Anyway, I was really depressed and pissed off, so i cried hysterically for a couple of hours, and then it was 4am and i was surrounded by art, and i went to sleep. i tried to get some more good art work done Tuesday, and didn't go to any of my classes. Wednesday I went back to going through the motions and trying to get the things i "should" do done. And thats about where I've been all week. If I just make it through the next month, hopefully, the summer will be good, and despite the Spanish classes, i might be able to get some art and circus stuff done, and then after next year (assuming I survive to then) I can take some time, figure out if I can support myself with art and what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Right now, I feel like I'm going to cry but at the same time i have this euphoric feeling that anything is completely possible.
In the movie, there is a fabulous sequence where Jude (the lead is an artist) has a breakthrough and goes from frustrated trying to draw an apple to pinning strawberries to canvasses and hurling them at each other so they explode onto the canvas in a peculiar way, i don't know how to describe it to a non-artist, if you don't experience it, i can't explain it. its very... intense and complex and right. Time disappears and then its been six hours and you're sort of foggy and surrounded by 15 pieces in various stages, all of which were totally unplanned and are far better than anything you've ever done on purpose. inspiration.