fuck the internet. and the republicans.

The internet has now eaten this post twice. so no more funny.
long list of things from Feministing.com that make me angry.
I am so scared of the possibility of mccain winning and a fascist theocratic v-for-vendetta-esaque america.
and then I tried to find a coupel of quotes from the West Wing's Isaac and Ishmael so you could all appreciate the funny from the best TV episode ever. Written and shot in 2 weeks as a response to 9/11. So fucking good. I love the West Wing.

Toby says "...there's nothing wrong with a religion whose laws say a man's got to wear a beard or cover his head or wear a collar. It's when violation of these laws become a crime against the state and not your parents that we're talking about lack of choice." He goes on to say that "The Taliban isn't the recognized government of Afghanistan. The Taliban took over the recognized government of Afghanistan. . . . When you think of Afghanistan, think of Poland. When you think of the Taliban, think of the Nazis. When you think of the people of Afghanistan, think of Jews in concentration camps."
Toby then goes on to tell a story told to him by a friend of his father's who had been in a Nazi concentration camp. "He said he once saw a guy at the camp kneeling and praying.
He said 'what are you doing?'
The guy said he was thanking God.
'What could you possibly be thanking God for?'
' I'm thanking God for not making me like them.'"
Then Toby says, "Bad people can't be recognized on sight. There's no point in trying."

Later a student asks Sam:
"...what do you call a society that has to just live every day with the idea that the pizza place you are eating in could just blow up without any warning?"
"Israel," Sam answers.
Josh's parting advice to the students on how to relate to the terrorists is:
"...remember pluralism. You want to get these people? I mean, you really want to reach in and kill them where they live? Keep accepting more than one idea. It makes them absolutely crazy."
The terrorists and the Republicans. I bet a list of things that make Bin Ladin mad would cite many of the same things that make Palin mad. Things like my life.
I am angry and depressed, but tomorrow I'll paint and watch the West Wing and make it all better.

Boots

I have 14-eyelet Dr Martins! And they are beautiful. Now, I just need to break them in...
So a golf course walk it is!

Back

Here I am, back on campus. Planning a dinner party. Because despite the plan being to try spending a few days doing nothing and see if painting/ djing/ wandering / thinking could make me feel better, I'm back to trying to get busy enough for it not to matter. I have tons that needs to get done. I shouldn't have gone home.

Other people's lives

seem more interesting cause they ain't mine
Its a Modest Mouse week...
Hot chocolate and thousands of boring readings.
3 Midterms in 2 days.

Walking at night, my fingers feel warm, my lips feel cold. When I touch my hand to my mouth, the opposite is true, and my fingers are like ice. I exhale giant smoke plumes as I traverse the greens of the golf course. Cold as it is, shoes would keep me from feeling the varied textures of the different lengths of grass. Some nights I give in and wear my slippers, wrap myself in a sweater rather than suffer the cold. The problem with this is that it eliminates my need to return home. I could walk into the night forever, fade and meld into it. It would never be morning, and the fields would roll forever, short grass, no people, no lights, no buildings.
Some nights I want to, others I'm afraid to. I know I'll never be able to take it back- I'll fade into nothing, and it won't matter. As if I never existed.
Sometimes I wonder- what would my life be like if this had never happened? If I hadn't has the stroke, joined the monkeys, fought with Kate, started to draw, anything? Hard as that is to wonder and imagine, the next obvious question is harder. What would the world be like without me.... and the depressing, honest truth is, in all ways, large and small, the same. Sure a few people would miss me if I vanished tomorrow.
Its good that I am a responsible person, or I'd pack up and vanish. Or not pack up, just vanish.

Elias, Stacey and I had an interesting discussion on the afterlife last week...
"I always say I'll sleep when I'm dead, but really we'll just party." -Me
"The devil is the top of the Christmas Tree in hell"- Stacey
... This discussion was prompted by Bill Maher talking about his new movie religulous on the daily show, saying "Is the devil the boss of the anti-christ? or is it the other way round? Or is it like the Joker and the Riddler, both bad guys but no affiliation?" Or something like that anyway.

I finally figured out the only reason to be alive is to enjoy it.
- Rita Mae Brown

do you need to be sad to create? if life is good, is anything worth painting/drawing/writing? do you have time? or inclination? can you create a feeling, make it worthwhile for others to look at/read/listen to/experience your art?
Am i the only one who can't create when they're up? But the more depressed I am, the more art I make, and the better it is.

i hate the internet

I typed out a long post about the walk i just took, and the hallucination i had and the golf course, but the internet ate it.
My stomach hurts.
I'm still whiny and emo
I am going to paint and watch phantom of the opera.

Wonderful

I've been feeling it coming on at least since the fire show. I've been refusing to let it win, but soon, I can feel that it will kick my ass. Back to the depression and angst. I hate it but its so hard to keep it off.
At least it's apt, tomorrow is Yom Kippur, and so I will be more than ready to sit around feeling emo and guilty. On that note: I forgot to ask forgiveness of all the people I've wronged this year. Fuck, there are a lot of you. Look, I'm a bitch and I'm sorry, ok? Maybe I'll send a massive spam email to everyone I know to apologize. The problem is, if I am completely honest about things like resenting the hell out of Dakota for already being better than me, or whatever, I think the apology will just start drama. I'm usually pretty up front about things that bother me, and I really try to go out of my way to be as nice as possible as much as possible, but my nature is to be a bitch. And I'm too tired and angsty for drama right now. I
ts an interesting concept having to apologize to people you've wronged, but ir seems like it would mostly create more problems. If you have to apologize to someone you work with for hating them and gossiping about them, then they'll know that you hate them. Or can you just say "hi. it's erev yom kippur, I'd like to apologize for anything I may have done to you this year." I'm not even clear on what exactly you have to apologize for, if thinking is enough or negative comments, or does it have to be actions. Not that it matters to me, I still need to apologize for a shit ton of stuff regardless of what the criteria are.
Speaking of things I'm sorry about, I nearly killed Stacey today. I feel really awful about it. I dropped her on her head balancing and she hurt her neck.... I really hope she's ok.
Alright, I'll stop spewing my emo-ness all over the internet now. I'm going to eat dinner and watch House for a while then go to work.

You need a lotta love and compliance

So I have Ani DiFranco's Freakshow stuck in my head. Apt in so many ways right now. Circus obsessed and emo, all at once. I want to be anti-social and then snuggle. But alas, it is not to be.
My keyboard is being dumb (esp. the A key), and I have Econ shit to read, so this will be a short filler post until I have time for a full recap of Wildfire.
Wildfire was cold, wet, and awesome!
I am totally exhausted. Everything hurts. But at least I've showered now.
My midterm was less horrific than I feared. Apparently, I really don't need to do any work. Ever. Yeah, until my grades come back.
Ice cream is delicious, and I want some. And a coke. Then reading and bed.

All over the place

Just got back from Rosh Hashanah at home... its nice to see my family, but I was really too tired for the whole big meal with grandparents friends bit.
My hair is green. I don't like it nearly as much as the purple. Sad.
Sarah Palin makes me cry. Mom and I think Angelina Jolie would be a much better VP. Same baby-toting photo-ops, more racial diversity. More foreign policy/diplomatic experience (works for a human rights org). Probably more assistants to manage than there are people in a 9000 person Alaska town. Better fashion sense. Better looking. More experience with the press. Better acting skills. Comes with a better first dude. Seriously, if we're going to pick someone just because they're a woman who looks good and knows how to fire a gun, I want to pick someone who comes with a cute man who looks good in a tux. Huzzah for equal opportunity objectification.
I really want to do some art, but I keep getting distracted.
I really want to sleep more, but I want the end of Step Up 2 to load first.
I'm going to be Harley Quinn for Halloween, I just ordered all the bits of my costume. Yay!
I need to do a serious amount of HW but still don't care enought to bother... my first midterm is next Monday, then I have a presentation Thursday. Have I studied/prepared/read/done anything for these classes or my others? NO. HA. I'm fucked.
Wildfire is this weekend, I am excited but need to do some serious prep for that. Yeah, in my spare time.