Halloween and other insanity

It has been a truly crazy weekend.
Friday was mostly spent trying to cope with Drama that came up out of nowhere and sucker-punched me. After hours of trying to respond like a rational person, I finally sent the people who had sprung the drama (which bore no relation to my life or even people I am friends with, and came with ultimatums- do this or we will not be friends with you, but all these other people we'll stay friends with no matter what because they're important), an email saying that I couldn't hear from them for a while if they couldn't treat me like our relationships and my feelings matter. And after 6 hours of that, I spent about 3 cranking out a highly mediocre and shoddily made Rouge costume. And one of the friends who instigated the drama replied to say how sorry she was to have upset me. So she's now off the shit list.
Saturday- Went into the city with my friends (quite a few people correctly identified all of us, even Jove who was Sebastian Shaw - an excellent costume for a highly unknown character). There was much carousing and marching through the rain in the parade, which was amazing. We rejoined our dry and lame friends at the bar, which was super crowded, and decided to relocate. Then we were delayed because my epileptic friend had too much to drink and had a seizure- so we waited for an hour for the ambulance. Then tried another chiller bar for about an hour or so, before heading back to Jove's to watch Maniac Nurses Find Ecstasy an awful "horror" movie dub we desperately hoped would become porn but never did. Truly, an hour and 15 minutes of my life I can never have back. Crashed on the bean-bag couch - which is amazingly comfortable- for the not-most-comfy night of sleep ever between Friedman and George because Allie stole my spot in the bed.
Sunday, today, we had a lazy day -donuts, then hours of youtube clips and a seriously detour and traffic ridden trip back to New Ro, followed by dinner at Epstien's, which I thought was overpriced and not very good. But still conversation was fun, and it was a really good halloween once the I decided to tell the drama to fuck off. Unfortunately, this evening I returned home to an email - completely not about me, but rather about how all women have screwed men emotionally, and how that relate's to second drama-inducer's relationship with another girl who I don't care about. Intro'd with: "This is what I've been working on, and why I've been treating you and everyone with neglect. " Nothing else to me. I'm really sorry I even read it, that alone should have been enough to let me know it was not an email that would in any way consider my emotions or address anything I had said to him. So fuck him. I am not responding. As I said, I will not communicate until he indicates that he cares about me even a tiny bit. And now, after a lovely Halloween, I am depressed and pissed off. Again. So, bed is my next plan. Sleep. Yes please. God, I'm tired.

secrets

A few weeks ago, someone told me that secrets were the source of power.
I've been mulling that, because while my response was that I don't keep secrets, and I tell everyone everything, or everything I know and therefore can tell, that was true but somehow inaccurate?
Anyway, today I realized that by telling people everything, I am saying I don't want to play power games. "Here, look, now you know. And so does everyone else" thus, no secrets. No power. And this bothers them, but they won't admit it. Which gives me power. Which is passive-aggressive. Except that I'm not doing it to get power- I just think if we didn't have to lie and hide things, we'd all be happier and more secure in our relationships. And like all of my other decent-human initiatives, I am trying to lead by example and succeeding only in making everyone else pissed off, and myself miserable. Fmylife.
On a less somber note, Friedman and I had a discussion of secrets today.
David: !

infernally delicious cupcakes!

sooooooo you may have to come in my car and bring your cupcakes

your delicious delicious cupcakes

and you may or may not have cupcakes upon arrival

me: I don't know if they're delicious. I have been virtuous and not eaten them, merely decorated. for hours

David: i don't understand

how do you not eat cupcakes?

also, what is this 'virtue' you speak of?

me: well, i mostly do it by eating something super filling before I start decorating. with a taste that wouldn't combine well with cupcake

David: wow

that is incredibly smart
me: and then when I think cupcake! Nom time! I remember, but there are exactly enough to make an even number of each design, and I'm full of eggs, and my mouth tastes like eggs...

I am a genius

David: lol

me: and remember that on Saturday, I'm planning to run around manhattan in a skin-tight outfit, and that I'm already sort of a giant fatty

David: this is why the things i cook never last more than 30-45 minutes

oh right

estrogen

that's your secret

that, and society's backhand to feminine self-esteem

i'm so less confused now

me: I really don't think that it is secret that 1) i have estrogen or 2) society is hell on the self-esteem of those who have estrogen

David: it's secret because it didn't occur to me before i asked.

shh.

me: ok maybe the secret is that you are a fatty with no self-control
David: 1) not a secret

to either of us

2) not a problem, either

me: because you lack estrogen?

David: well

yes

actually

me: or because your costume allows for pants?

David: also, gambit wears a not-narrowly-tailored full-length coat

oh, and pants

And then a segue into costumes, followed by an even more amusing conversation about how next year we should go as "twisted" product mascots - Tony the Tigger (like winnie the pooh) Toucan uncle sam Pillsbury "dough" boy (made of $$$), sit-stay puffed marshmellow man (dressed as a dog), Ulysses S Grant Jemima etc.

Apologies

I don't seem to make enough of them.
Gibbs says "never apologize, it's a sign of weakness".
But I'm not convinced. So, just a quick post to say I'm sorry.
Sorry that I never post. Sorrier that I never act on the impulse to call or write or let you know that I'm alive, and that I wonder how you are and I miss you. Sorry that I don't do the things you want me to do, that I can't be the person you want me to be. Sorry that I'm so selfish and whiny and that I keep making you put up with it. I only hope that the sarcastic commentary is occasionally funny enough to make up for it. And not just annoying, as I suspect it is.
And I want to say thank you for being my friend anyway.
The reason: I realized that I've been trying to make myself this woman, which means I have to make one of you this man. Which isn't very fair. And I've been doing a lousy job of it, so I keep making us these people instead. At least it's music I like, even if it does mean I keep ending up with fucked up relationships with my guy friends.
Or maybe you all think we're fine, and it's all in my head because I'm completely egomaniacal. Which is apparently not a word. But the only word I know that's similar is vainglorious. And obviously, I can't use that. Not only because that would mean I was saying the problem is that I'm Christopher-esque, which I am distinctly not, but because vainglorious doesn't convey the right level of self-absorption. Its more boastful and is about pride rather than general self obsession. And I'm pretty sure egomaniacal is a word, and that time it didn't underline it, so what the fuck? As Robin would say, dwonky.
In other news: since I've been home, I have accomplished very little. A couple hours "cleaning" mostly so I'd have space to take out my cold-weather clothes. I've been biting my nails, which I completely stopped in Canada. And last night and today, I've done a little art. Maybe I'll eventually have some to show. And I'll sort out my costume for Halloween. Votes on if I should be Psyloche or Rouge?
And see, again, in a post that was meant to just be an appology for being a shitty, self-absorbed friend, I've gone completely off into talking about myself. Seriously though, I need to learn to shut up about myself. Danielle thinks it would make me less offensive. Friedman says he doesn't get offended, and that I shouldn't worry about people who do. I dunno, I'm trying to be a decent human. I'm just failing spectacularly. But really, I do love you all and I miss you. Call me or email me or something, because I'm clearly never going to manage to contact you. But I'll keep trying.

All over the place

Just got back from Rosh Hashanah at home... its nice to see my family, but I was really too tired for the whole big meal with grandparents friends bit.
My hair is green. I don't like it nearly as much as the purple. Sad.
Sarah Palin makes me cry. Mom and I think Angelina Jolie would be a much better VP. Same baby-toting photo-ops, more racial diversity. More foreign policy/diplomatic experience (works for a human rights org). Probably more assistants to manage than there are people in a 9000 person Alaska town. Better fashion sense. Better looking. More experience with the press. Better acting skills. Comes with a better first dude. Seriously, if we're going to pick someone just because they're a woman who looks good and knows how to fire a gun, I want to pick someone who comes with a cute man who looks good in a tux. Huzzah for equal opportunity objectification.
I really want to do some art, but I keep getting distracted.
I really want to sleep more, but I want the end of Step Up 2 to load first.
I'm going to be Harley Quinn for Halloween, I just ordered all the bits of my costume. Yay!
I need to do a serious amount of HW but still don't care enought to bother... my first midterm is next Monday, then I have a presentation Thursday. Have I studied/prepared/read/done anything for these classes or my others? NO. HA. I'm fucked.
Wildfire is this weekend, I am excited but need to do some serious prep for that. Yeah, in my spare time.