Monday, May 25, 2009
Graduation is a bad idea.
I hope I'm just tired. I've been home 8 hours. I already want to kill my mom, my grandparents and my older brother. Also, I miss everyone desperately. I managed not to cry all week, but I think I might now. The real world is not my friend. I cannot live at home again and I have no job or plans or money or transportation or anything. Fuck I'm miserable. And crying. F my life.
Monday, April 27, 2009
My hero
Batman, D&D, humor and chocolate. The world cannot get better. Seriously. I think I'm in love.
http://punxter.com/pics/G/RPL.jpg
http://punxter.com/pics/G/RPL.jpg
So the drama!
Over the last week, there has been far, far too much drama in my life. And not the kind with tech crews and auditions. And I have run out of patience for it. In the next day or so, I'll be sending out the following email to, well, more or less everyone. I realize this may make things worse, but I refuse to keep pretending everything is ok, and hopefully, direct acknowledgment of the issues may make things better. The email:
Apparently, people have a lot of issues with me. I'm running out of time/energy/stationary to send everyone personalized engraved invitations to talk to me about it, so this is a general note to everyone:
1) I know I can be a bitch. It is usually intended kindly, but much of it can be based in a desire to make other people confront stuff they aren't ready for and to move in the direction of my idea of being a better person. This may be unreasonable, and if so, I apologize.
2) One of the things that apparently people have issues with is me calling other people on their BS, which they think is unfair. I don't think there is much I can do about this, I am going to call people out and talk to them about it if I disagree with them. I work stuff out by talking about it, both to figure out what I'm thinking and what I want, and to actually resolve issues. And I don't say things when you aren't around that I don't say to your face, because I think it's tacky. If I call you on stuff, it doesn't mean I don't like you, or that I am a hypocrite. If you think something I'm doing or saying is BS, please, please, call me on it.
3) If I am offending you personally, please let me know when I am saying something that bothers you. I want to stop that. But I don't know if when I'm making a joke, you say nothing because it doesn't bother you, or because you are afraid to call me on it. If you tell me, I can stop saying whatever it was. Otherwise I don't know that it is a problem.
In summation, it is easier to just deal with it when issues come up. Please, if you have problems, lets just sort it out now rather than waiting until it piles up any further. There isn't enough time before graduation (or even in my life) for this nonsense. I don't like passive-aggressive BS where everyone pretends its ok, but things are fucked up. I realize that some of you might be comfortable with that, and it might be selfish for me to try to move it to direct resolution, because I might be more comfortable with that than other people. But I legitimately believe that is the best and possibly only way to solve things. Feel free to try to convince me otherwise. I have issues, but fragility is not one of them. I will not break if you tell be I'm being loud and annoying, or that you don't like when I do x other thing.
Hugs and kisses,
Felicia
PS Commencement is Wednesday, which means that Freshmen officially become Sophmores etc. Thus, in 3 days, the gold star system will change as follows: you may earn gold stars by doing things which 1) are excellent and 2) you might not normally do. Note: 1 is crucial. You might not normally kill someone, but doing so will not earn you a star. Probably. I will try to carry the stars around, so when you earn one, you can recieve it right away.
/> email
Other than dealing with drama, I am mostly trying to deal with mountains of schoolwork. This week: 2 presentations. Next week: a paper, a portfolio, and a final, also DJing the Farm Rave. Week after that: a paper and a final. Week after that, graduation, and collapse. Also, I must clean my room, pack etc before graduation.
Not to mention the large chunks of my life that are being eaten by the indoor Tarot Card monkey show.
I'm also trying to make more art. Friday I started a painting I've been planning for a while, and a necklace I've been planning longer (buttons!). I also started a new art journal.
Also, I love the heat, but this is getting absurd. 93 degrees on Tuesday? Really? I'm running out of clothes that are decent enough to wear in public, and cool enough not to melt.
Leaving Ferry after the Yoshitoshi show Friday night, I had the distinct realization of what Matt Wise must feel like all the time. I am not at all a sweaty person, but 2 1/2 hours of hardcore dancing in 85 degree heat makes you a sweaty person. Ew.
Apparently, people have a lot of issues with me. I'm running out of time/energy/stationary to send everyone personalized engraved invitations to talk to me about it, so this is a general note to everyone:
1) I know I can be a bitch. It is usually intended kindly, but much of it can be based in a desire to make other people confront stuff they aren't ready for and to move in the direction of my idea of being a better person. This may be unreasonable, and if so, I apologize.
2) One of the things that apparently people have issues with is me calling other people on their BS, which they think is unfair. I don't think there is much I can do about this, I am going to call people out and talk to them about it if I disagree with them. I work stuff out by talking about it, both to figure out what I'm thinking and what I want, and to actually resolve issues. And I don't say things when you aren't around that I don't say to your face, because I think it's tacky. If I call you on stuff, it doesn't mean I don't like you, or that I am a hypocrite. If you think something I'm doing or saying is BS, please, please, call me on it.
3) If I am offending you personally, please let me know when I am saying something that bothers you. I want to stop that. But I don't know if when I'm making a joke, you say nothing because it doesn't bother you, or because you are afraid to call me on it. If you tell me, I can stop saying whatever it was. Otherwise I don't know that it is a problem.
In summation, it is easier to just deal with it when issues come up. Please, if you have problems, lets just sort it out now rather than waiting until it piles up any further. There isn't enough time before graduation (or even in my life) for this nonsense. I don't like passive-aggressive BS where everyone pretends its ok, but things are fucked up. I realize that some of you might be comfortable with that, and it might be selfish for me to try to move it to direct resolution, because I might be more comfortable with that than other people. But I legitimately believe that is the best and possibly only way to solve things. Feel free to try to convince me otherwise. I have issues, but fragility is not one of them. I will not break if you tell be I'm being loud and annoying, or that you don't like when I do x other thing.
Hugs and kisses,
Felicia
PS Commencement is Wednesday, which means that Freshmen officially become Sophmores etc. Thus, in 3 days, the gold star system will change as follows: you may earn gold stars by doing things which 1) are excellent and 2) you might not normally do. Note: 1 is crucial. You might not normally kill someone, but doing so will not earn you a star. Probably. I will try to carry the stars around, so when you earn one, you can recieve it right away.
Other than dealing with drama, I am mostly trying to deal with mountains of schoolwork. This week: 2 presentations. Next week: a paper, a portfolio, and a final, also DJing the Farm Rave. Week after that: a paper and a final. Week after that, graduation, and collapse. Also, I must clean my room, pack etc before graduation.
Not to mention the large chunks of my life that are being eaten by the indoor Tarot Card monkey show.
I'm also trying to make more art. Friday I started a painting I've been planning for a while, and a necklace I've been planning longer (buttons!). I also started a new art journal.
Also, I love the heat, but this is getting absurd. 93 degrees on Tuesday? Really? I'm running out of clothes that are decent enough to wear in public, and cool enough not to melt.
Leaving Ferry after the Yoshitoshi show Friday night, I had the distinct realization of what Matt Wise must feel like all the time. I am not at all a sweaty person, but 2 1/2 hours of hardcore dancing in 85 degree heat makes you a sweaty person. Ew.
Monday, April 20, 2009
No I will not play cotton eyed joe.
Note: This post written last Sunday night.
I had an odd weekend. Elias came on Friday. He and I hung out some, did the monkey thing, and then went on a quest for an epic night. We found it. It started with lying over the bridge at the lake so the reflection looks right side up and the real world looks like a reflection, and I felt we'd fallen into a parallel universe. If that was true, the rest of the night made good sense. If not, well, I hallucinated it or something. Went to bed around 9am on the futon in the TH.
Got up at 1 and went back to my house, slept til 7, ate and went to spin at the bonfire. Then I rushed home for my stuff and went to play the Masquerave. It was fine, my computer was being glitchy and odd (kept cutting the sound), but whatever. The Masquerave was very empty. I was asked to play cotton eyed joe, which was just weird. As always, I cannot get dressed up in a corset, black satin elbow gloves, and a top hat, and not want to make out with someone. But as there was no one appropriate/acceptable at the party, I restrained myself admirably.
Today, I ran errands and lay on Sunset hill reading, then went to work and continued reading, and basically did nothing productive all day. I have so much work. I'm totally screwed.
I had an odd weekend. Elias came on Friday. He and I hung out some, did the monkey thing, and then went on a quest for an epic night. We found it. It started with lying over the bridge at the lake so the reflection looks right side up and the real world looks like a reflection, and I felt we'd fallen into a parallel universe. If that was true, the rest of the night made good sense. If not, well, I hallucinated it or something. Went to bed around 9am on the futon in the TH.
Got up at 1 and went back to my house, slept til 7, ate and went to spin at the bonfire. Then I rushed home for my stuff and went to play the Masquerave. It was fine, my computer was being glitchy and odd (kept cutting the sound), but whatever. The Masquerave was very empty. I was asked to play cotton eyed joe, which was just weird. As always, I cannot get dressed up in a corset, black satin elbow gloves, and a top hat, and not want to make out with someone. But as there was no one appropriate/acceptable at the party, I restrained myself admirably.
Today, I ran errands and lay on Sunset hill reading, then went to work and continued reading, and basically did nothing productive all day. I have so much work. I'm totally screwed.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Leaving town
So I've been pretty depressed for a while. (gasp, shock, I know.) I basically can't remember what its like not to be either depressed or fighting depression. I admitted last night to Stacey and Danielle that I've been thinking about killing myself. It felt- not better precisely, but less? - to tell other people and not have to pretend it was ok.
So today I went to the counseling center and told them. Which I hadn't been doing because if you tell them you're suicidal you can't stay on campus. But what the hell, its not like anything here matters anyway. And now, I'm off to Four Winds Hospital. Fun. Maybe it'll help.
So today I went to the counseling center and told them. Which I hadn't been doing because if you tell them you're suicidal you can't stay on campus. But what the hell, its not like anything here matters anyway. And now, I'm off to Four Winds Hospital. Fun. Maybe it'll help.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Shallow and Pathetic
I have lots of stuff to say, and tons of pictures to post. I haven't updated in ages, but I've been hording plenty of goodies.
But today, All I can say is:
I Hate My Hair!
Its purple, which has always fixed everything in the past. But yesterday Stacey cut it for me, and instead of "I dunno, my chin or a little shorter" Its the return of the mushroom cut only marginally more punk rock. Everyone else says its excellent. I hate the way it looks and feels and it keeps falling in my eyes. It is too short to tuck behind my ears, so while I no longer have bits on the back of my neck, the irritation has simply moved to my field of vision.
So I thought ok, I'll put it up. But no. Turns out when Stacey and Kate dyed it, they totally missed the underneath sections especially around my ears. So there are still several chunks that are my natural color. I can't put it up because I'd look like a spotted lunatic. Furthermore, it probably wouldn't stay up.
Ok. A real post later. As soon as I stop crying I'll go get dressed and try to put enough product in that it doesn't just sit in my face. I hate putting stuff in my hair, it always ends up feeling sticky and slimy and awful.
But today, All I can say is:
I Hate My Hair!
Its purple, which has always fixed everything in the past. But yesterday Stacey cut it for me, and instead of "I dunno, my chin or a little shorter" Its the return of the mushroom cut only marginally more punk rock. Everyone else says its excellent. I hate the way it looks and feels and it keeps falling in my eyes. It is too short to tuck behind my ears, so while I no longer have bits on the back of my neck, the irritation has simply moved to my field of vision.
So I thought ok, I'll put it up. But no. Turns out when Stacey and Kate dyed it, they totally missed the underneath sections especially around my ears. So there are still several chunks that are my natural color. I can't put it up because I'd look like a spotted lunatic. Furthermore, it probably wouldn't stay up.
Ok. A real post later. As soon as I stop crying I'll go get dressed and try to put enough product in that it doesn't just sit in my face. I hate putting stuff in my hair, it always ends up feeling sticky and slimy and awful.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Circus
For the Spring Fire Show Finale, we're using Circus (yeah, I know it's Britney. Bite me). Anyway, I've been reworking the original and the Diplo mix (better drum loops, breakdown, etc) into something we can use. I think I'm good with the way that it sounds, but there are a coupel spots where I'm not sure if its I've been listening too long, it sounds fine when there is a huge problem or I've been listening too long, it sounds slightly off when there is no problem.
Also, I still can't sleep so, yeah, fuck if I know if it sounds right. And oh god, as I'm listening, now I hear (having taken an hour or so off from it) several places that sound awful... fuck me, I've already sent it off to Matt and Christopher and Connor and Stacey. Maybe they'll be kind. Ha. I don't have the energy to reopen live and fight it more tonight.
https://vspace.vassar.edu/feminchin/public/
Let me know what you think?
Also, I still can't sleep so, yeah, fuck if I know if it sounds right. And oh god, as I'm listening, now I hear (having taken an hour or so off from it) several places that sound awful... fuck me, I've already sent it off to Matt and Christopher and Connor and Stacey. Maybe they'll be kind. Ha. I don't have the energy to reopen live and fight it more tonight.
https://vspace.vassar.edu/feminchin/public/
Let me know what you think?
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