An excellent weekend.
I learned to eat fire, practiced tracing (no new techniques in the advanced class, but still good), learned some new drills to work on my poi and fans.
I read Nick Woolsey's book, Emails from Over the Edge, which is highly excellent and I recommend it.
I suffered some bad-head space the first couple of days, but pulled out of it enough to enjoy most of the weekend, even if I mostly spun the last night and didn't go to terribly many classes.
Danielle and I Kicked Some Ass. I mananged not to freak out, so the act went well. The Q&A after was pretty harsh, but later people came up to me and told me they loved it and one girl said I was "a poi rock star"!
Elias and I may move to Asheville, NC in January to preform/make costumes/sell toys/link people in the community. We'll see how serious he actually is about this tomorrow.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Monday, June 8, 2009
Graduated like a measuring cup
And not enjoying it at all.
Every time I listen to the music that used to make me happy, that held so many memories of everything from painting the Shiva, to spinning fire, to just hanging out, I feel like I've been punched in the stomach. Tracking Treasure Down is the worst.
Still not employed. This is a problem, as I am rapidly running out of money.
I don't like living at home. I don't like not being able to go wherever I want, whenever I want. My mom never says no precisely, just guilt trips me. Yes, I know Mike has been out til 4 every night all week, so you haven't slept, and this is the one night hes in the house. But this is the night MY friends are going out, and I haven't been out all week. F my life.
I need to get some serious art done, and finish cleaning, write more thank you notes, send more resumes, etc. But to hell with productivity. I'm going to walk to the lake and spin some poi and maybe draw for a bit.
Tomorrow I'm going up to Vassar to see Danielle and work out an act for Wildfire's performance class.
Every time I listen to the music that used to make me happy, that held so many memories of everything from painting the Shiva, to spinning fire, to just hanging out, I feel like I've been punched in the stomach. Tracking Treasure Down is the worst.
Still not employed. This is a problem, as I am rapidly running out of money.
I don't like living at home. I don't like not being able to go wherever I want, whenever I want. My mom never says no precisely, just guilt trips me. Yes, I know Mike has been out til 4 every night all week, so you haven't slept, and this is the one night hes in the house. But this is the night MY friends are going out, and I haven't been out all week. F my life.
I need to get some serious art done, and finish cleaning, write more thank you notes, send more resumes, etc. But to hell with productivity. I'm going to walk to the lake and spin some poi and maybe draw for a bit.
Tomorrow I'm going up to Vassar to see Danielle and work out an act for Wildfire's performance class.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Graduation is a bad idea.
I hope I'm just tired. I've been home 8 hours. I already want to kill my mom, my grandparents and my older brother. Also, I miss everyone desperately. I managed not to cry all week, but I think I might now. The real world is not my friend. I cannot live at home again and I have no job or plans or money or transportation or anything. Fuck I'm miserable. And crying. F my life.
Monday, April 27, 2009
My hero
Batman, D&D, humor and chocolate. The world cannot get better. Seriously. I think I'm in love.
http://punxter.com/pics/G/RPL.jpg
http://punxter.com/pics/G/RPL.jpg
So the drama!
Over the last week, there has been far, far too much drama in my life. And not the kind with tech crews and auditions. And I have run out of patience for it. In the next day or so, I'll be sending out the following email to, well, more or less everyone. I realize this may make things worse, but I refuse to keep pretending everything is ok, and hopefully, direct acknowledgment of the issues may make things better. The email:
Apparently, people have a lot of issues with me. I'm running out of time/energy/stationary to send everyone personalized engraved invitations to talk to me about it, so this is a general note to everyone:
1) I know I can be a bitch. It is usually intended kindly, but much of it can be based in a desire to make other people confront stuff they aren't ready for and to move in the direction of my idea of being a better person. This may be unreasonable, and if so, I apologize.
2) One of the things that apparently people have issues with is me calling other people on their BS, which they think is unfair. I don't think there is much I can do about this, I am going to call people out and talk to them about it if I disagree with them. I work stuff out by talking about it, both to figure out what I'm thinking and what I want, and to actually resolve issues. And I don't say things when you aren't around that I don't say to your face, because I think it's tacky. If I call you on stuff, it doesn't mean I don't like you, or that I am a hypocrite. If you think something I'm doing or saying is BS, please, please, call me on it.
3) If I am offending you personally, please let me know when I am saying something that bothers you. I want to stop that. But I don't know if when I'm making a joke, you say nothing because it doesn't bother you, or because you are afraid to call me on it. If you tell me, I can stop saying whatever it was. Otherwise I don't know that it is a problem.
In summation, it is easier to just deal with it when issues come up. Please, if you have problems, lets just sort it out now rather than waiting until it piles up any further. There isn't enough time before graduation (or even in my life) for this nonsense. I don't like passive-aggressive BS where everyone pretends its ok, but things are fucked up. I realize that some of you might be comfortable with that, and it might be selfish for me to try to move it to direct resolution, because I might be more comfortable with that than other people. But I legitimately believe that is the best and possibly only way to solve things. Feel free to try to convince me otherwise. I have issues, but fragility is not one of them. I will not break if you tell be I'm being loud and annoying, or that you don't like when I do x other thing.
Hugs and kisses,
Felicia
PS Commencement is Wednesday, which means that Freshmen officially become Sophmores etc. Thus, in 3 days, the gold star system will change as follows: you may earn gold stars by doing things which 1) are excellent and 2) you might not normally do. Note: 1 is crucial. You might not normally kill someone, but doing so will not earn you a star. Probably. I will try to carry the stars around, so when you earn one, you can recieve it right away.
/> email
Other than dealing with drama, I am mostly trying to deal with mountains of schoolwork. This week: 2 presentations. Next week: a paper, a portfolio, and a final, also DJing the Farm Rave. Week after that: a paper and a final. Week after that, graduation, and collapse. Also, I must clean my room, pack etc before graduation.
Not to mention the large chunks of my life that are being eaten by the indoor Tarot Card monkey show.
I'm also trying to make more art. Friday I started a painting I've been planning for a while, and a necklace I've been planning longer (buttons!). I also started a new art journal.
Also, I love the heat, but this is getting absurd. 93 degrees on Tuesday? Really? I'm running out of clothes that are decent enough to wear in public, and cool enough not to melt.
Leaving Ferry after the Yoshitoshi show Friday night, I had the distinct realization of what Matt Wise must feel like all the time. I am not at all a sweaty person, but 2 1/2 hours of hardcore dancing in 85 degree heat makes you a sweaty person. Ew.
Apparently, people have a lot of issues with me. I'm running out of time/energy/stationary to send everyone personalized engraved invitations to talk to me about it, so this is a general note to everyone:
1) I know I can be a bitch. It is usually intended kindly, but much of it can be based in a desire to make other people confront stuff they aren't ready for and to move in the direction of my idea of being a better person. This may be unreasonable, and if so, I apologize.
2) One of the things that apparently people have issues with is me calling other people on their BS, which they think is unfair. I don't think there is much I can do about this, I am going to call people out and talk to them about it if I disagree with them. I work stuff out by talking about it, both to figure out what I'm thinking and what I want, and to actually resolve issues. And I don't say things when you aren't around that I don't say to your face, because I think it's tacky. If I call you on stuff, it doesn't mean I don't like you, or that I am a hypocrite. If you think something I'm doing or saying is BS, please, please, call me on it.
3) If I am offending you personally, please let me know when I am saying something that bothers you. I want to stop that. But I don't know if when I'm making a joke, you say nothing because it doesn't bother you, or because you are afraid to call me on it. If you tell me, I can stop saying whatever it was. Otherwise I don't know that it is a problem.
In summation, it is easier to just deal with it when issues come up. Please, if you have problems, lets just sort it out now rather than waiting until it piles up any further. There isn't enough time before graduation (or even in my life) for this nonsense. I don't like passive-aggressive BS where everyone pretends its ok, but things are fucked up. I realize that some of you might be comfortable with that, and it might be selfish for me to try to move it to direct resolution, because I might be more comfortable with that than other people. But I legitimately believe that is the best and possibly only way to solve things. Feel free to try to convince me otherwise. I have issues, but fragility is not one of them. I will not break if you tell be I'm being loud and annoying, or that you don't like when I do x other thing.
Hugs and kisses,
Felicia
PS Commencement is Wednesday, which means that Freshmen officially become Sophmores etc. Thus, in 3 days, the gold star system will change as follows: you may earn gold stars by doing things which 1) are excellent and 2) you might not normally do. Note: 1 is crucial. You might not normally kill someone, but doing so will not earn you a star. Probably. I will try to carry the stars around, so when you earn one, you can recieve it right away.
Other than dealing with drama, I am mostly trying to deal with mountains of schoolwork. This week: 2 presentations. Next week: a paper, a portfolio, and a final, also DJing the Farm Rave. Week after that: a paper and a final. Week after that, graduation, and collapse. Also, I must clean my room, pack etc before graduation.
Not to mention the large chunks of my life that are being eaten by the indoor Tarot Card monkey show.
I'm also trying to make more art. Friday I started a painting I've been planning for a while, and a necklace I've been planning longer (buttons!). I also started a new art journal.
Also, I love the heat, but this is getting absurd. 93 degrees on Tuesday? Really? I'm running out of clothes that are decent enough to wear in public, and cool enough not to melt.
Leaving Ferry after the Yoshitoshi show Friday night, I had the distinct realization of what Matt Wise must feel like all the time. I am not at all a sweaty person, but 2 1/2 hours of hardcore dancing in 85 degree heat makes you a sweaty person. Ew.
Monday, April 20, 2009
No I will not play cotton eyed joe.
Note: This post written last Sunday night.
I had an odd weekend. Elias came on Friday. He and I hung out some, did the monkey thing, and then went on a quest for an epic night. We found it. It started with lying over the bridge at the lake so the reflection looks right side up and the real world looks like a reflection, and I felt we'd fallen into a parallel universe. If that was true, the rest of the night made good sense. If not, well, I hallucinated it or something. Went to bed around 9am on the futon in the TH.
Got up at 1 and went back to my house, slept til 7, ate and went to spin at the bonfire. Then I rushed home for my stuff and went to play the Masquerave. It was fine, my computer was being glitchy and odd (kept cutting the sound), but whatever. The Masquerave was very empty. I was asked to play cotton eyed joe, which was just weird. As always, I cannot get dressed up in a corset, black satin elbow gloves, and a top hat, and not want to make out with someone. But as there was no one appropriate/acceptable at the party, I restrained myself admirably.
Today, I ran errands and lay on Sunset hill reading, then went to work and continued reading, and basically did nothing productive all day. I have so much work. I'm totally screwed.
I had an odd weekend. Elias came on Friday. He and I hung out some, did the monkey thing, and then went on a quest for an epic night. We found it. It started with lying over the bridge at the lake so the reflection looks right side up and the real world looks like a reflection, and I felt we'd fallen into a parallel universe. If that was true, the rest of the night made good sense. If not, well, I hallucinated it or something. Went to bed around 9am on the futon in the TH.
Got up at 1 and went back to my house, slept til 7, ate and went to spin at the bonfire. Then I rushed home for my stuff and went to play the Masquerave. It was fine, my computer was being glitchy and odd (kept cutting the sound), but whatever. The Masquerave was very empty. I was asked to play cotton eyed joe, which was just weird. As always, I cannot get dressed up in a corset, black satin elbow gloves, and a top hat, and not want to make out with someone. But as there was no one appropriate/acceptable at the party, I restrained myself admirably.
Today, I ran errands and lay on Sunset hill reading, then went to work and continued reading, and basically did nothing productive all day. I have so much work. I'm totally screwed.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Leaving town
So I've been pretty depressed for a while. (gasp, shock, I know.) I basically can't remember what its like not to be either depressed or fighting depression. I admitted last night to Stacey and Danielle that I've been thinking about killing myself. It felt- not better precisely, but less? - to tell other people and not have to pretend it was ok.
So today I went to the counseling center and told them. Which I hadn't been doing because if you tell them you're suicidal you can't stay on campus. But what the hell, its not like anything here matters anyway. And now, I'm off to Four Winds Hospital. Fun. Maybe it'll help.
So today I went to the counseling center and told them. Which I hadn't been doing because if you tell them you're suicidal you can't stay on campus. But what the hell, its not like anything here matters anyway. And now, I'm off to Four Winds Hospital. Fun. Maybe it'll help.
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