SNOW

Yay!
No matter how old I get, or how much I hate the cold and wet, and know that we have months of sucky weather coming where I'll hate everything about winter, there is just something about the first snow. Especially since I didn't know it was out there, I just walked out in my slippers, coat and hat, and SNOW!
Rather than ending the world, this has massively improved it. Or that may be that I've finished all my papers, only need to print this and turn it in, and then study for and take one last final. Then BREAK!
I went to the monkey room to check the fuel situation and fell down the TA stairs. The snow is hiding ice. My butt hurts.
Tonight is for walking, smoking, warming my fingers on my stomach and watching puffs of smoke dissipate. The snow and cloves alternate delicious smells and tastes. Warm and sweet vs cold and clean.

Pay my respects to grace and virtue
Send my condolences to good
Give my regards to soul and romance,
They always did the best they could
And so long to devotion
You taught me everything I know
Wave goodbye
Wish me well..
You've got to let me go

Are we human?
Or are we dancer?
My sign is vital
My hands are cold
And I'm on my knees
Looking for the answer
Are we human?
Or are we dancer?

Will your system be alright
When you dream of home tonight?
There is no message we're receiving
Let me know is your heart still beating

Are we human?
Or are we dancer?
My sign is vital
My hands are cold
And I'm on my knees
Looking for the answer

I've become pretty completely nocturnal.
Off to make art. Doodles and pills, now snow themed.
Oh, and I have a chocolate bomb from babycakes to eat. Moose! *insert hands on either side of head*

Something is not right

I don't know where exactly, what exactly, when exactly, but something horrible is coming. Something tremendous and unstoppable, and maybe it has come already and this is all just fake.
The world is completely unreal and I think I am losing my mind. My grasp on reality. Something. Or maybe I'm blowing it all out of proportion. I'm not sure. What is sanity anyway?
Time has been moving oddly the last few days.
I haven't been eating.
I've been having odd and somehow crucially important dreams, but I can't remember them.
At first i thought all these things were the Vicoen, but the Vicoden is gone and they remain.
Very little makes sense: the taste of my first coke in over a week, Neal Gaiman talking about Death and the Apocolypse, the way the smoke disappears after you exhale.
I am empty, reflecting only what's around me, not thinking about it or realizing I'm doing it, just pushing this influence and that together, binding with scotch tape and spit, and hoping it'll fool everyone, hold together long enough.
It does. No one else seems to notice how wrong everything is.
I want it to snow. Maybe thats it, maybe the terrible thing is coming with the snow.
I don't know why I get up, get dressed, do the things I am supposed to do, say the things I am supposed to say. I guess I don't know what else to do.
I lie by omission and by word and by deed. And no one notices. Or if they do, they act like they don't. Never does someone call me on it. Ask if I'm ok. Notice how good I am at simultaneously talking nonstop, TMI, and yet, saying nothing. Certainly nothing important.
Only now I have no desire to have to try to maintain that. I lapse more and more into silence.And if they ask now, I won't believe they noticed or cared, just that they read this.
In the silence, I don't want to think, I consciously avoid it.
I can't cry.
The world is ending.

In my eyes eyes eyes eyes

So, Friday I got up, put in my contacts, lived my life. After the RHPS, I went to the Everready with some people. My right contact started bugging me, but not too much. I got home around 5 and it didn't want to come out. I finally got it out, but my eye still hurt. I figured I'd gotten a piece of glitter or something in it, and tried to wash it out. No dice. Then I tried to sleep. Too much pain for sleep. And it kept getting worse. Around 6:30am Saturday I gave in and woke Sasha, we went to Baldwin, then to the ER. The dr didn't see anything. He flipped my eyelid inside out, which made it feel a little better, so I came home and slept a few hours. But the pain returned, and got worse, and my vision got cloudy and blurry, and I was sitting on my floor, crying hysterically, and couldn't move or talk it hurt so much. By far the most pain I've ever felt. So Sasha and I went back to the ER, where the Dr said I had contact lense cartatis.... ie my contact got stuck to my cornea, who knows why, and irritated it, and now its all inflamed and angry, so he gave me eye drops and a vicoden prescription. So 3 agonizing trips into pharmacies later we found one that was open, and I got tissues and Vicoden. I called back my paniced mother to reaffirm that she didn't need to come get me and went to sleep. 4 hours later, the vicoden wore off, I woke up, left my mom a scared little girl message "Mommy, my eye hurts, and I don't feel good. I want you to come get me. I want to go home." Then more vicoden and back to bed. Rinse and repeat every 4 hours.
Mom picked me up at 9:30am. I slept in the car, got into her bed (which, since I was little, has been the location for sick children) and went back to sleep. This morning I saw the eye doctor, who confirmed what the ER doctor said. The pain and blurryness are much better, but I probably wont be totally well until Thursday or so. If in the last 72 hours I was a giant bitch to you, I appologize pain makes you a nasty person and vicoden puts you in that not quite awake no filter place. House has his reasons. I slept most of Saturday here, all of saturday night here, all of sunday home, all of sunday night home. and then I got back ehre this afetrnoon and napped, and now, back to sleep.
Sleep is the only thing that doesnt hurt. Movement, light, and focusing (ie the nessecary things for work) are the most painful. I can only function for about 15 min at a time. Ow. And I've apparently used that up now. More eyedrops.
PS stupid fucking Christopher, I've had "in my eyes" stuck in my head since this started which is both ironic and infuriating.

Sleep

Sleep is the most amazing thing. You don't have to do anything else while you sleep. I want to sleep but I have so much to do... and I'm not sleepy. I want to sit up all night, drawing and painting. But Ballet is at 10:30, and I can't be any more sleep deprived than I already am. I'm not sleepy though. Just tired. I don't even really like to sleep, just curl up in that half asleep state where you don't have to get up yet and nothing matters forever. You can't have that before you go to sleep. That drifting, magical place where you have brilliant bursts of inspiration, which you need to write or draw immediately, but can't be bothered to get up, find pen/paper, turn on the light. Its so good, I'll remember it in 15 minutes when I get up. But you never do. Hours later, there's a ghost of it in a feeling you have for a second, but you can never quite grasp it. Usually I sleep either because I am exhausted and fall asleep right away or because I have stuff to do tomorrow, I can't be tired but I can't fall asleep and I get increasingly concerned about how late it is and how little sleep I'm going to get and how tired I'll be... and getting worked up about that can't be helping me fall asleep either.
I have no energy or interest. I have to go to class tomorrow, because I can't afford to miss more ballet, and there is a midterm in Public Finance. Yuck. I haven't studied at all. I don't really care, it doesn't matter. I don't want to ever do anything productive or social ever again. Sasha and Adin are coming for Rocky this weekend, and I'm hosting the cast party as well. Grumble. My glasses just fell behind the bed. Fuck. I'm not so much depressed as apathetic and antisocial. Which means I'm depressed. I should go to bed.
I feel bad because I meant to use this blog for talking about circus, art, recovery, deep thoughts, not just emo whining. In fact, not at all emo whining. I apologize to anyone who reads it, because you shouldn't have to put up with this. I assume you mostly don't, that no one is reading this and that it is out there but ignored. Which, depressingly enough, is quite apt.
I'm miserable and lonely. I'm going to retrive my glasses, finish my beer, set my alarm, and snuggle my teddy bear til I fall asleep.

No Productivity Here

RISD was really good. And exhausting. I have no pictures because I am an idiot and my camera told me very quickly that it had no more memory, which, like an idiot, I believed, because I hadn't emptied the memory card in ages, but no. It had partially ejected the memory card when I took the battery out to recharge it and it was recording to internal memory, and now I can't get them out. Oh well. If you want to see my awesome costume (Stacey, Kate and Sophie's also) check facebook. Virgina put up nice pictures. There was not enough sleep involved.
RHPS went well too. I did not cut my feet. We devirginized like 15 froshmonkeys. I got a cup of water down my shirt. Unfortunately, my CD skipped a whole bunch so next weekend: cables and we'll play from my ipod. Yes.
Today, I had a Jane-a-thon. Watched Jane Eyre and Becoming Jane, both depressing and not especially fabulous, merely ok. Also, I've been painting and such like. I finished the painting I started over break, for the online folk-art class I'm taking. I liked working on wood, rather than canvas, but there is no where to buy just planks around here, so I had to use obscenely expensive pre-made wood thingies, so I'm back to canvas for most stuff probably for a while. I'm pretty happy with the painting overall.

I also started what was going to be an unspecified collage background. However, it was one of those things where the papers just spoke to me, and I suddenly felt the need to skribble with crayons, then add water-oil pastels, smudge them everywhere and it just sort of all happened.
I have a really good feeling about it. I've been seriously inspired by these doodles http://charmagnecoe.com/ and I think that in that vein I'll be putting an ink-watercolor doodle into the center. Possible a flying/back-bending lady, possibly something completely different. I'll do some sketches this week and we'll see what happens.
Adin and Sasha are coming for Rocky this weekend, so it will be fun, but not restful or productive. I've agreed to have the cast party in my house so, it will be crazy.
Plus, a dunp of art from the last couple weeks. A painting. Two art journal spreads (4 pages). And my knitting. Still madly in love with this yarn. Started the second skein a few weeks ago, so I'm more than half done. With any luck, I'll have a purse by break and can start working on something new while I'm at home. Maybe I'll make a trip into the city for a pattern and some redonkulous yarn and make something more challenging than a rectangle. A hat maybe.

Win

I've been trying to figure out why I can't burn CDs from itunes since, you know, December of last year or so. This morning, I win! As a result, the RHPS can have pre-pre-show music. And a lovely pre-pre-show by the monkeys to go with it.
Also, I am going to the Artist's ball at RISD tonight. We leave at 12:30. I must go buy mardi gras beads up the wazzoo. Yay! Costumes and Techno FTW
on the other hand my little feature to post to this from my igoogle home page is not working. bleh. it thinks i have a line error.

An historic evening

I'm not as excited as I should be. I wish I were more emotional. Maybe when he's sworn in, it'll have sunk in more or something.
Considering how much I was freaking out for the first hour or so while McCain was up, I should be happier.
I admit, the world is going to hell a bit slower than I thought, but I doubt highly that Obama will bring the change he touts so often. I hope I'll have to eat my words. I'd like that.
My holy-shit-we're-not-totally screwed brownies burnt. Oh well. Watching the speeches was more important.
I'm tired. I'm not so much happy that its Obama (who is fine, really) as that its not McCain.

oh god

last night, I was THAT GIRL. seriously, like 3 or 4 different groups of frosh were like omg can we call you ems or something. Yuck. Also, what a waste of a perfectly lovely Halloween night and an awesome costume. Which not nearly enough people recognized. Uncultured. And there was not a single Joker to flirt with, oddly enough. Unfortunately, I lost my friends on the way from the D4 party to the campus party and never found them again... But today I am making hangover pancakes! So I expect to see them all shortly.

fuck the internet. and the republicans.

The internet has now eaten this post twice. so no more funny.
long list of things from Feministing.com that make me angry.
I am so scared of the possibility of mccain winning and a fascist theocratic v-for-vendetta-esaque america.
and then I tried to find a coupel of quotes from the West Wing's Isaac and Ishmael so you could all appreciate the funny from the best TV episode ever. Written and shot in 2 weeks as a response to 9/11. So fucking good. I love the West Wing.

Toby says "...there's nothing wrong with a religion whose laws say a man's got to wear a beard or cover his head or wear a collar. It's when violation of these laws become a crime against the state and not your parents that we're talking about lack of choice." He goes on to say that "The Taliban isn't the recognized government of Afghanistan. The Taliban took over the recognized government of Afghanistan. . . . When you think of Afghanistan, think of Poland. When you think of the Taliban, think of the Nazis. When you think of the people of Afghanistan, think of Jews in concentration camps."
Toby then goes on to tell a story told to him by a friend of his father's who had been in a Nazi concentration camp. "He said he once saw a guy at the camp kneeling and praying.
He said 'what are you doing?'
The guy said he was thanking God.
'What could you possibly be thanking God for?'
' I'm thanking God for not making me like them.'"
Then Toby says, "Bad people can't be recognized on sight. There's no point in trying."

Later a student asks Sam:
"...what do you call a society that has to just live every day with the idea that the pizza place you are eating in could just blow up without any warning?"
"Israel," Sam answers.
Josh's parting advice to the students on how to relate to the terrorists is:
"...remember pluralism. You want to get these people? I mean, you really want to reach in and kill them where they live? Keep accepting more than one idea. It makes them absolutely crazy."
The terrorists and the Republicans. I bet a list of things that make Bin Ladin mad would cite many of the same things that make Palin mad. Things like my life.
I am angry and depressed, but tomorrow I'll paint and watch the West Wing and make it all better.

Boots

I have 14-eyelet Dr Martins! And they are beautiful. Now, I just need to break them in...
So a golf course walk it is!

Back

Here I am, back on campus. Planning a dinner party. Because despite the plan being to try spending a few days doing nothing and see if painting/ djing/ wandering / thinking could make me feel better, I'm back to trying to get busy enough for it not to matter. I have tons that needs to get done. I shouldn't have gone home.

Other people's lives

seem more interesting cause they ain't mine
Its a Modest Mouse week...
Hot chocolate and thousands of boring readings.
3 Midterms in 2 days.

Walking at night, my fingers feel warm, my lips feel cold. When I touch my hand to my mouth, the opposite is true, and my fingers are like ice. I exhale giant smoke plumes as I traverse the greens of the golf course. Cold as it is, shoes would keep me from feeling the varied textures of the different lengths of grass. Some nights I give in and wear my slippers, wrap myself in a sweater rather than suffer the cold. The problem with this is that it eliminates my need to return home. I could walk into the night forever, fade and meld into it. It would never be morning, and the fields would roll forever, short grass, no people, no lights, no buildings.
Some nights I want to, others I'm afraid to. I know I'll never be able to take it back- I'll fade into nothing, and it won't matter. As if I never existed.
Sometimes I wonder- what would my life be like if this had never happened? If I hadn't has the stroke, joined the monkeys, fought with Kate, started to draw, anything? Hard as that is to wonder and imagine, the next obvious question is harder. What would the world be like without me.... and the depressing, honest truth is, in all ways, large and small, the same. Sure a few people would miss me if I vanished tomorrow.
Its good that I am a responsible person, or I'd pack up and vanish. Or not pack up, just vanish.

Elias, Stacey and I had an interesting discussion on the afterlife last week...
"I always say I'll sleep when I'm dead, but really we'll just party." -Me
"The devil is the top of the Christmas Tree in hell"- Stacey
... This discussion was prompted by Bill Maher talking about his new movie religulous on the daily show, saying "Is the devil the boss of the anti-christ? or is it the other way round? Or is it like the Joker and the Riddler, both bad guys but no affiliation?" Or something like that anyway.

I finally figured out the only reason to be alive is to enjoy it.
- Rita Mae Brown

do you need to be sad to create? if life is good, is anything worth painting/drawing/writing? do you have time? or inclination? can you create a feeling, make it worthwhile for others to look at/read/listen to/experience your art?
Am i the only one who can't create when they're up? But the more depressed I am, the more art I make, and the better it is.

i hate the internet

I typed out a long post about the walk i just took, and the hallucination i had and the golf course, but the internet ate it.
My stomach hurts.
I'm still whiny and emo
I am going to paint and watch phantom of the opera.

Wonderful

I've been feeling it coming on at least since the fire show. I've been refusing to let it win, but soon, I can feel that it will kick my ass. Back to the depression and angst. I hate it but its so hard to keep it off.
At least it's apt, tomorrow is Yom Kippur, and so I will be more than ready to sit around feeling emo and guilty. On that note: I forgot to ask forgiveness of all the people I've wronged this year. Fuck, there are a lot of you. Look, I'm a bitch and I'm sorry, ok? Maybe I'll send a massive spam email to everyone I know to apologize. The problem is, if I am completely honest about things like resenting the hell out of Dakota for already being better than me, or whatever, I think the apology will just start drama. I'm usually pretty up front about things that bother me, and I really try to go out of my way to be as nice as possible as much as possible, but my nature is to be a bitch. And I'm too tired and angsty for drama right now. I
ts an interesting concept having to apologize to people you've wronged, but ir seems like it would mostly create more problems. If you have to apologize to someone you work with for hating them and gossiping about them, then they'll know that you hate them. Or can you just say "hi. it's erev yom kippur, I'd like to apologize for anything I may have done to you this year." I'm not even clear on what exactly you have to apologize for, if thinking is enough or negative comments, or does it have to be actions. Not that it matters to me, I still need to apologize for a shit ton of stuff regardless of what the criteria are.
Speaking of things I'm sorry about, I nearly killed Stacey today. I feel really awful about it. I dropped her on her head balancing and she hurt her neck.... I really hope she's ok.
Alright, I'll stop spewing my emo-ness all over the internet now. I'm going to eat dinner and watch House for a while then go to work.

You need a lotta love and compliance

So I have Ani DiFranco's Freakshow stuck in my head. Apt in so many ways right now. Circus obsessed and emo, all at once. I want to be anti-social and then snuggle. But alas, it is not to be.
My keyboard is being dumb (esp. the A key), and I have Econ shit to read, so this will be a short filler post until I have time for a full recap of Wildfire.
Wildfire was cold, wet, and awesome!
I am totally exhausted. Everything hurts. But at least I've showered now.
My midterm was less horrific than I feared. Apparently, I really don't need to do any work. Ever. Yeah, until my grades come back.
Ice cream is delicious, and I want some. And a coke. Then reading and bed.

All over the place

Just got back from Rosh Hashanah at home... its nice to see my family, but I was really too tired for the whole big meal with grandparents friends bit.
My hair is green. I don't like it nearly as much as the purple. Sad.
Sarah Palin makes me cry. Mom and I think Angelina Jolie would be a much better VP. Same baby-toting photo-ops, more racial diversity. More foreign policy/diplomatic experience (works for a human rights org). Probably more assistants to manage than there are people in a 9000 person Alaska town. Better fashion sense. Better looking. More experience with the press. Better acting skills. Comes with a better first dude. Seriously, if we're going to pick someone just because they're a woman who looks good and knows how to fire a gun, I want to pick someone who comes with a cute man who looks good in a tux. Huzzah for equal opportunity objectification.
I really want to do some art, but I keep getting distracted.
I really want to sleep more, but I want the end of Step Up 2 to load first.
I'm going to be Harley Quinn for Halloween, I just ordered all the bits of my costume. Yay!
I need to do a serious amount of HW but still don't care enought to bother... my first midterm is next Monday, then I have a presentation Thursday. Have I studied/prepared/read/done anything for these classes or my others? NO. HA. I'm fucked.
Wildfire is this weekend, I am excited but need to do some serious prep for that. Yeah, in my spare time.

Fell off the earth

Ok, I know I fell off the earth when I came back to school, but we were talking about Stacey's blog last night, so I thought I'd update. Finally.
So, world's shortest synopsis of my life:
VT- Shiva Rave was awesome!
Monkeys- Lots of new frosh. Yay! Unfortunately, stuff isn't going as well as I hoped. But my expectations were unreasonably high. I am so short on patience for this nonsense. Luckily, Ashlyn and Stacey and Christopher, an odd enough group, are keeping me sane-ish. The fire show turned out fine, I just didn't have a very good time. This weekend we had a party that was not what I needed at all.
I am suddenly super angsty and depressed again. Maybe I'll get some sleep and actually be able to enjoy Wildfire this weekend.
I am taking an awesome online class with Suzi Blu on mixed media painting but I have had almost no time to work on it.
I've also done no school work. I have a midterm in a week. This is going to bite me in the ass, isn't it.

TV and friends destroy productivity

I've been home for several weeks, and accomplished almost nothing. I keep getting sucked in to fun, which was good at first but now I'm like "crap, we're coming to the end of summer and I have all this stuff still to do!" yesterday I cleaned the basement (my studio)... I'd show pictures, but my camera has vanished. Lent it to mom, she swears she returned it, but I don't have it. I'll clean my room and see if it turns up. Anyway, got Wildfire tickets finally, SO EXCITED!
What art have I been up to? Very little- trying to learn Illustrator for this project I'm working on with my friends. I know exactly what I want, but the computer doesn't want to give it to me. My sewing is not going too well... I had an epic fail on the second purse attempt and the third one is on hold.... mom's sewing machine needs to go to the dr. I did one painting/collage the other day, can't show you pics because my camera is MIA. Its very yellow. not my normal color palette at all.
I haven't been doing much poi or contact juggling, which is sad, and I haven't done fire since June. I'm getting antsy.

Still not dead yet!

Happy not-dead day to me....
1 Year Ago Today, I had a stroke. I feel like I should do something to celebrate, but instead, I'll do my Spanish HW.

Is it legit?

I always wonder, when I'm explaining that I had a stroke, is it fair? Can I really blame this problem or that one on it? I mean, yeah, I'm tired and my left leg hurts from wandering the city, but is that a post-stroke left side failure or a lazy bum failure? If I can't do a pull-up does that mean, the muscles in my left arm totally atrophied last year and aren't up to it yet or does it just mean I'm a weakling? If my Spanish class is too hard, is the problem the stroke or the material? Was my brain really that different a year ago? Has my recovery to date not been sufficient?
If you met me, you'd never guess that I was less than a year post-stroke. Ian knew me a little before, and he didn't even know it had happened, so apparently, if you knew me before and saw me know, you wouldn't know. But I know. I am constantly aware of all my defects, especially the ones i think are stroke related.
And I don't want to be defined by the stroke. And yet, there is a big part of me that wants to dedicate my life to helping others overcome this. And I keep using it to excuse my failings to others. But I feel guilty and torn about telling them. Why am I embarrassed? Not of the stroke, I don't care if people know that. I think because I feel like its a failure. I haven't recovered enough. I should work harder. I should be able to do everything, and if I can't, because of the stroke or any other reason, I feel bad.
I know it's dumb but it's true. I'm so tired.... maybe a nap and then my 10 bazillion hours of homework.

I know I said I'd post, and I took pictures so I could but basically I feel like crap and all I want is to sleep but if I don't at least start my paper for Spanish I'll die tomorrow. So homework now, blog later? yes yes. It is a plan.
So, hopefully tomorrow, there will be pictures and information on : sewing purses, knitting, bead necklaces, art journals, and logo construction. And with any luck I'll have time to actually work on one of those things, and not just write about them.

god, I've been busy, so a long post to cover everything I haven't posted

I keep meaning to post and getting distracted. I have written half a post on Finishing paintings, another on Wildfire and other on arrival here at Berkeley, and i really want to talk about today. Ok, so super condensed / what i had and everything elseput into one simple post:

So I finally finished a few pieces a couple weeks ago. I actually started the blog in my excitement to share them, but I couldn’t find my camera! Anyway, here they are: a huge image dump. 3 pieces I’m happy with, a miracle. I’ll spare the rest of the world my bad one.

I don’t know about anyone else, but for me finishing anything is a real accomplishment. I am so ADD about my art, and usually have about 6 projects going at a time, plus ideas for a few more. Or I have nothing, and no desire to do anything, nor should I, anything I try to do turns out like total crap.

But when I work productively, it’s great, and I don’t need to sleep, or eat or really do anything else. It’s kinda like I imagine being high must be, I lose time and sense of self and just pour everything out. And if it isn’t perfect, sometimes I get frustrated, but mostly I just keep trying until I am too exhausted to move, then I sleep for hours until my body recuperates enough, get up and go back to whatever I was working on.

At the moment, I have zillions of art things happening but thats later, probably tomorrow because I'm really tired and I have to upload pictures to show you that stuff.

Anyway, on to other things:
Wildfire!

Wildfire was amazing beyond words!

Friday- we got picked up by Jeremy around 1, threw our hastily packed stuff into his car, and drove for 2 hours to find this place. The camp is normally a boy-scout camp, and we pitched our tents in a small clearing in the woods across the not-for-parking lot, so we were close to the field where everything took place but not actually on it. (We wanted to be able to sleep if people were up late doing stuff). Then we went out to play on the field. It was nice, but a tiny bit awkward because we only knew the other people we came with and a couple others and most people seemed to already know each other. I was more awkward than the rest of the monkeys. Then we had dinner, which was way better than I’d expected and sat through a long and disorganized meeting about fire safety which was unnecessarily detailed for us, but helpful for new performers. I volunteered to be one of the first safeties, and fire got started. Everyone was way better than us, and I was very depressed. There was no yelling etc, and we stayed up too late. Some girl makes me feel bad about myself and Jeremy tells me its my fault. Great, now I'm a bad spinner and a worse person.
Saturday- Breakfast, then Ian's Move Your Body poi class. The class is awesome, and Danielle and Elias go with me. Then Fans, with Eliza, who is nice and very talented. I learn a couple of things, but mostly just improve what I have, and get a sunburn. Jeremy makes me feel bad about myself again. Then I skip lunch in favor of a swim and we go find the showers, and then I skip the next 2 classes to nap, and show up late to intro dart. there are no more darts, so I just watch with Jeremy, and he makes me feel crappy yet again. He's not a bad person, it was constructive criticism but i was not in a good place.... We reconoitered with the others at the tents. It was starting rain, and we decided to play frisbee in the rain. This saved the whole weekend. Jeremy and Surei didn't play but Elias Danielle Sasha and I did, and we met lots of fun, nice people, and no one cared that I'm loud, sarcastic and no good at frisbee. We went skinny dipping, showered again, and went to dinner. Then there was more fire, where I had a lot of fun cheering for people I knew and had a couple good burns. There was a weird show, then a couple of us did an impromtu "coordinated" burn- with a couple set things, working together, agreed up while waiting to fuel, and then our own runs. This prompted other coordinated act type things. it was great. more cuddling, and dancing, and spinning, and i face-painted danielle and sasha and a couple people i didnt know. and we stayed up really late again.
Sunday- breakfast. Face painting instead of a class. Flow with Pali, which wasnt really a class, just an hour to play with combinations and flow. then instead of a class i hung out with Paul and we talked about different toy constructions because i didn't even know what they were talking about in the Poi Geekery class. Then Elias and I went to the Advanced Acro class, which was really not so much advanced. They had people partner with other students, so the pair both had no clue what they were doing and there were only the 2 of them spotting for the whole class, and Elias and I, because we were like those mattresses wont save people. And we got in trouble, we were trying to be good but we were bored. we don't need 5 minutes to get shoulderstand/candlestick/whatever its called. He pressed up, I was like hmm... icarus? box? and those were no problem so i pulled him off my legs into no-hands and he was like "warn me!" and other people were watching and clapping... seriously we didnt mean to make a scene we were just playing. it was the only class where anyone got told not to play because they could do stuff others couldn't. Afterwards we had an awesome play session with most of the people from the class, we taught a bunch of stuff, complicated variations, multi person balances, and stuff like stacks (2 high). It was great. In the fall, I want to teach the acro class. Then we had dinner and more fire! At this point, i know everyone whos spinning I like and am leading a small section of people yelling stuff like "Justin is sexy" and "Paul is too awesome" and "I love Danielle" and getting responses like "I love you too Felicia" from people spinning and people coming up to me and saying, "i'm gonna do a run, will you watch me?" which i assumed meant "can you scream for me too?" it was great. we hung out really late and decided to sleep under a tree..
Sunday- woke up outside, lovely. my sleeping bag was quite wet, not lovely. Had breakfast and went to the massage class. partnered an old guy, not as sketchy as i expected. Went to the future of wildfire panel. I love that they had a "only problems no solutions" format. Packed up and went home. Sad sad.

While I was there I realized that after graduation I want to do circus with my life. Circus and art, and then I came home and found out that there is a circus, Cirque Nova, that teaches disabled people circus. Thats what I want to do. And make art. Lots of art and circus and helping people recover and be happy again. And friends and a cat. Thats a good life. I want that.

Currently I'm in Berkeley because I need a year of spanish so I can graduate. And its a year in 8 weeks, about a chapter a day, 4 hours of no english a day plus, at least 4 hours of homework. So much time I can't take the art class I was planning to take. and I was feeling super depressed about it because i hadnt met anyone here i wanted to even try and be friends with and i hate spanish and im really bad at it and its cold and i have no free time. Yesterday I wrote:

Berkley is no fun. I can’t find any other spinners on campus or even anyone fun to hang out with, not that I have time to anyway. I have class from 9-2 every day and then the homework starts. We’ve been here 4 days, covered 3 chapters and have our first test tomorrow. I am so lost… and so immensely tired.

But today: Spanish was better and I think one of the other girls might be worth getting to know. I went shopping and bought lots of fun art stuff, but thats for tomorrow, Im too tired to get into it. and my roommate finally got here. I like her. And I got something i needed to do done, and i have all of tomorrow and sunday to do art and relax. Yay. I have to sleep but tomorrow I'll post again. I swear.

Necklaces

I forget how different home is from being at school. TV is so bad and distracting, plus since I have nothing to get up for in the morning, I am getting enough sleep not to be so damn tired, but I’m not getting anything done. I have 1000 projects to do, some necessary, like clean and unpack, some fun, like work on the damn necklaces already. I found a couple of Boxes of Beads (“Mass O Glass” from Michaels, super cheap, like $3-$5 for a good amount of assorted glass beads)

and I really want to use some of them, either alone or in combination with the wood ones I bought to try to recreate versions of this necklace I made myself a couple summers ago.

Everyone complements it every time I wear it, and I’d really like to give them as gifts to my friends, plus I could probably sell them. I have some wood beads, but they only came in a couple shapes/sizes/colors at Michaels, not as good an assortment as what I bought at the specialty bead store in Vermont that the supplies for mine came from. I also bought a bag with a few colors of hemp at Michaels, unfortunately the hemp is not as soft or nice as what I used for mine, but I figure it’ll soften as I work with it, and then when I finish, I’ll wash the necklaces. Big hemp secret: wash finished pieces vigorously with soap and water (supposedly you can run through the dishwasher or washing machine, but I never have) to soften the hemp and set the knots.

I've been feeling very weird since last night. Sort of depressed and isolated. I guess it would be weird if I wasn't depressed, but I feel all this external pressure to pretend, to be social and productive and happy, but all I want to do is lock myself in my room, and paint and sleep. I had an idea for a painting, plus I figured out what I want to do on the one I have in progress right now, but I don't even have time to clean my room enough to find my desk, much less to do any art on said desk. I feel so lousy, but I can't give in, much as I might want to. One of my friends said something the other day about not believing in mental illness. I disagree, but I get where he was coming from. I am incredibly depressed, and it is both physically and mentally a huge struggle to do anything. But the fact is, I know that I will keep doing all I need to do because that part of me is just stronger. I'm not sure how much longer it will be though, and that scares me because then I'll become my father and become an unproductive hermit. I keep telling myself, its only a week. 3 more papers and a final. you can do this. There isn't really any other choice. And when people ask me, I keep saying that I'm fine, that its all under control. If I say it enough, convince enough other people, it'll be true. I'm fine. I'm going to nap for an hour and then do 3 hours of work, an then go to my meeting.

Conversations with God

This weekend, there is a play called Conversations with God, a series of mono- and dio-logs people wrote. If I wrote a conversation with God, it would go something like this.
"I don't believe in you. Yeah, I know there is a House discussion about the impossibility of being mad at and not believing in at the same time, and its true. but i don't believe in a personified single infinite power watching people. deism (clockmaker), or a cosmic force, maybe. But God, as such, no. But I am mad at you. There is no one else to be mad at. Myself a bit. The stupidity of people in general.
But seriously, Why? What exactly did I do? Or not do, as the case may be? I do all the things expected of me and many more besides. I try to be nice, to make everyone happy. I try to be honest. Neither of those is an intrinsic trait, but I am really trying to be a good person. Is it really too much to expect one small break somewhere. I want lots of things, could I please have at least one of them? So many of the people I know have all of them. What exactly did I do in a previous life to deserve this? must have been freaking terrible, and I apologize.
I am committed and organized and friendly, and yet 2 fucking votes? Why does no one understand the amount of time and effort I dedicate? What do I have to do for a tiny bit of recognition?
I try to take care of my health, see doctors, follow their instructions, but wait, no, your life is going too well, have a stroke. It fucks up every aspect of my life, physical, emotional and mental; I fight to recover to get better as much as possible, but again, no, here, have some serious depression.
So basically, lets look at all the things I could use for support - Family. Mom, Grandma and Grandpa can't understand the depression or my changed focus. Mom is happy I'm not grand monkey. Mike doesn't care, he loves me but he's useless. D is a jerk, Dad is absent. Friends. Sasha, Adin and Matt are graduating. Jacquie is always busy with church and Uganda, Ashlyn's in France. School. I have tons of work, but I don't care about it, and its really difficult to do because of the stroke. Activities. The Monkeys are obviously not going to support me, I'm at a skill impasse and we have no upcoming shows to focus on. I have no time for art. And thats all there is in my life.
Basically, I keep trying to get up, but I just end up getting kicked over and over.
If i just lie here on the floor for a while, will someone show up to lend a hand, or will the kicker get bored and wander off?
I doubt it, with my luck, I'll just get trampled by a stampede or something.
I really don't think I deserve this, would it really be the end of the world o let me have a boyfriend or some functional neural paths or a body that didn't hurt or coordination or rhythm or the will to stop biting my nails or to lose weight or some self-confidence or could I just be happy with how my life is, appreciate the good stuff and stop dwelling on the bad shit?
Why exactly would that be so hard?
What the fuck should I be doing differently? Or could I at least believe in you enough to think there was a cosmic reason why I should be fucked up in about 15 ways and be so miserable all the time, that it would have some important part in a plan for the world. But I don't, so I'm talking to myself, whining about my problems, which isn't going to solve them.
Seriously, God. One little break, maybe?
I'm running out of energy. I can't keep doing this. I can't drag myself out of bed and face this every day. I don't know what you want from me. I don't know how to be happy. I don't know anything worth knowing, and I certainly don't know how to find out.
I'm mad as hell, and I'm not gonna take it anymore."
Sorry about the lengthy rant, I'm just really not in a good place, and I have to do a ton of research now.

across the universe

just saw across the universe and oh my god... if you haven't seen it, you must. right away. if you have seen it, perhaps you can help me. I have no idea how i am feeling right now. so intense. both fabulous and terrible. Did other people have this or is it just me? I know Jove was insistent that I see it, but he didn't say why. As an artist it was both visually and emotionally almost to intense to endure. I have been feeling really weird the last week or so to begin with, the movie just compounded and shifted it. I've been alternating between almost manic and massively depressed in seconds.
On Monday night I had a breakdown, and a big fight with my mom because I have no motivation to do my schoolwork, and when i think about it, about "productive" shit I need to do, all i want to do is crawl into bed and sleep for eternity. But she thinks it's important and that i need to just suck it up and do my damn work. but i think this is so far from what i am supposed to do and such a useless waste of my time. Anyway, I was really depressed and pissed off, so i cried hysterically for a couple of hours, and then it was 4am and i was surrounded by art, and i went to sleep. i tried to get some more good art work done Tuesday, and didn't go to any of my classes. Wednesday I went back to going through the motions and trying to get the things i "should" do done. And thats about where I've been all week. If I just make it through the next month, hopefully, the summer will be good, and despite the Spanish classes, i might be able to get some art and circus stuff done, and then after next year (assuming I survive to then) I can take some time, figure out if I can support myself with art and what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Right now, I feel like I'm going to cry but at the same time i have this euphoric feeling that anything is completely possible.
In the movie, there is a fabulous sequence where Jude (the lead is an artist) has a breakthrough and goes from frustrated trying to draw an apple to pinning strawberries to canvasses and hurling them at each other so they explode onto the canvas in a peculiar way, i don't know how to describe it to a non-artist, if you don't experience it, i can't explain it. its very... intense and complex and right. Time disappears and then its been six hours and you're sort of foggy and surrounded by 15 pieces in various stages, all of which were totally unplanned and are far better than anything you've ever done on purpose. inspiration.

Manifesto

This blog is going to be a space for me to share some of my experiences and musings about art, art journaling, music, circus, stroke recovery and philosophy. And while I'll try not to blather on too much about my personal life, I may on occasion fail in that attempt at which point you should feel free to disregard what I am saying. It is my hope that this site will provide inspiration, or at least some interesting food for thought for anyone else who reads it, especially those in similar situations or who share my interests.